Ep.92 Dr.Tara (Sexual Communication Expert)
Sex and Violence Hey guys, welcome back to sex and violence with rebel girl, where we interview high level MMA fighters and other experts in their fields about love, dating, romance, and that all too taboo subject. I'm your host, Ashley, rebel girl Evans-Smith. Now let's talk about sex, and violence what's happening hot stuff,
Unknown Speaker 0:54
what's up all my naughty listeners and naughty viewers. Now, if you are watching this, you know that this is our first video podcast, we are very excited to bring you the full version, audio will always be available. But we are finally stepping things up. And this is the part of the podcast if you're a new listener, where I tell everyone what I have going on in my life. So if you're a longtime listener, I'm going to continue telling you because I'm fucking jazzed about finally feeling pain free. For the last two years, I've been in pain, I had a artificial disc inserted in my neck. And that took me about nine to 10 months to, you know, fully heal from but then I had some residual pain, which kept me from training and it's been over a year and a half now. And about 10 weeks ago, I went down to Tijuana Mexico. I know that sounds crazy. But don't be afraid. There is a facility there in the inside the chips, a hospital, and it's called the cellular Performance Institute. They gave me stem cells in three discs in my neck as well as my knee. And for the first time in two years, I'm finally pain free. I'm not doing this as a commercial for them. I'm just excited because I know a lot of you out there are dealing with chronic pain, whether you're an athlete or not. You may just sit at a desk all day and have lower back pain or an old knee injury from football back in the day. I don't know what it is, but I cannot talk about the cellular Performance Institute enough. I'm gonna give you guys all the information in the show notes like I always do, but I just I can't recommend it enough guys. My life has been a roller coaster emotionally. The one good thing one of the few good things that I started this podcast and so I'm bringing you guys content, keeping myself busy, but I'm finally ready to get the fuck back in the cage. I'm an athlete, you know, I guess I'm a podcast host now but my love and my first, you know, goal is always to get back in the cage, win fights and get to the belt. So I just I'm just happy and I want to share that knowledge with you guys. See some other things I got going on? January sorry, May 6, I will be in Las Vegas. So this is basically for you Vegas residents. I've been working with a photographer. He also works with the UFC. But he does UFC and boudoir photography. And his name is Juan Cardenas. He's having an art X exhibit and I wanted to share a little tidbit of information. So it's called All Eyes On Me presents strong, intimate, honest portraits as a parody and a contrast between the raw and ridiculous. It's an awkward joke of sexy and attractive figures with cartoon eyes that invite you to laugh. The reality of these images is as any other and at the same time absurd. Since they say nothing about those who pose for the camera and they should not grant the viewer any right to judge. Juan is a great photographer. He like I said he works with the UFC. But he also is an artist and so he does lots of boudoir. And he's combining kind of this sexy vibe with the silly cartoon eyes. And it's going to be a great time. The Times and the dates like I said we're may 6 from 6pm to 11pm at the recycled propaganda in Las Vegas. If you want to come I'll be there as well. There's going to be food and drinks and it's just a really, really big event and a fun time. And he's also one of the photographers that I've worked with on my new fan time account, which is an adult content site. And you guys can check that out my site is www. Ashley rebel girl.com It's going pretty well you guys who are longtime listeners know I'm a pretty shy girl about my body and you know I'm not in perfect shape right now, but it's really been fun. You know, it teaches you to embrace what you got going on right now and I've just happened to be fluffy. And thank goodness thick is in right now. So check that out support to girl. And you can support the show by giving us a rating and a review. Guys, it's fucking free, you know, you can also buy merchandise on the website, which is sex violence with rebel girl.com. But if you just you know want to save some money but still support the show, give us a rating and a review on iTunes. Spotify does not have the ability to give like a full review. So come on, even if you listen to Spotify, just go give an apple review it really helps the show. Okay guys, let's talk about some fights. This weekend the UFC is back at the apex and they will be for the rest of the month. This card was a little shaky. We had some some fallouts but it's shaping up to be pretty great. So we've got the Sunday Luke a who knocked out below Muhammad back at UFC 206 in 2016. But now both men have improved considerably. And again we have them fighting as a five round bout. As for the CO main event, unfortunately, it was supposed to be your Raya Hall against Andre mooneyes But all withdrew from the card and officials couldn't find a suitable replacement. We've got a really really stuck card we have Kayo Barolo versus Ghazi killing this name. I'm sorry, Omar God ZDF Miguel Baeza versus Andre Fiala Mariah bueno Silva vs. Wu Yan Pat Sabatini vs. TJ larmy. And on the prelims we have Devin Clark versus William Knight, Lena Landsberg versus pani Qian Zod, Dzhokhar close versus Brandon Jenkins Rafa Garcia vs. Jackie Jesse Jesse Ronson, Chris Barnett vs. Martin de tre Ogden vs. Jordan love it. Sam Hughes versus Estella Nunes and finally opening the card we have Healy at obtain versus Kevin kromm. If you want to email us, you can email us at sex and violence podcast.no Sorry, sex and violence firstname.lastname@example.org And, you know, you can give us a guest suggestion you can tell us what you think about the show if you just want to communicate or if you want to sponsor the show, that's also available. Speaking of sponsors, let's talk about some sponsors that we currently have.
Unknown Speaker 7:24
I'm so excited guys, okay. And I say guys, not the girls, Sorry, ladies, this one's not for you. This one is for all my listeners with some whiskers. You know, like mutton chops, a goatee mustache? A full mint. No, no one has full mint shoes anymore. But about like a side beard or a neck beard or just a good old fashion. You know, face beard. This is for you guys. We are now in partnership with the best facial hair oil in the business. And they're called Rebel apothecary. How fitting is that? It's perfect, right? We didn't even plan that these guys are the best. They're the best beard oil in the game. And they I know this because not because I have a beard. But I know many hairy men jujitsu guys, MMA fighters, and I've given this product to them. And they said it's great. It keeps your face maintained. And it smells good too. Guys, please check them out. They are a family owned and operate a business. And you can use our discount code rebel to get 25% off your entire order. Find them on Instagram at rebel dot apothecary or online at rebel apothecary.com. Check them out rebel apothecary beard oil. When choosing a supplement company, most would think it's an easy choice. But it's not. It's a matter of pride. You have your goal set to become who you are meant to be a decision, a moment in life when you decide to be more, to be great to use everything you can to be more than who you were. I choose perfect sports as my supplement company because perfect sports has been dedicated to providing top pros and athletes with the absolute highest quality nutritional supplements for over 18 years. Since 2003. Perfect sports has been the choice for the most dedicated and discerning MMA and physique transforming athletes who demand the very best. Perfect sports is known for their product, diesel, New Zealand whey protein isolate. It's a pure grass fed pasture raised protein that comes exclusively from the isolated island nation of New Zealand, virtually free of lactose with a 90% protein yield. Even people who feel that they might be sensitive to dairy, love this protein. I'm really most excited because you guys know me about their newest product, the diesel vegan that will be ready in about a month so stay tuned. But they aren't just a protein company. They've got products for bulking and leaning out products for strength and recovery. pre workout or health and wellness to keep your immune up during these unprecedented times by online at www dot perfect sports.com and use code rebel girl for 20% discount. Connect with them on social media for all their latest product releases and giveaways. That's at perfect sports. T m. Again, connect with them on social media for all the latest products and giveaways at perfect sports. TM choose perfect sports be great. Today's guest is a sexual communication expert, a professor at California University Fullerton, a sex and relationship coach and host of Love Bites by Dr. Tara. It's a podcast that focuses on sexual wellness. Her work has been featured in cosmopolitan, Women's Health magazine, insider and other media outlets. Her goal is to normalize sex talks and help people live a more passionate life and feel more sexually fulfilled. Through confidence and communication coaching. We talk about butt plugs in church God is pro pleasure, porn reliant versus porn addiction. unsolicited dick pics, hetero flexible, knows pathways to the penis, flaws of porn, situational Ed versus clinical Ed, sexual meditation and much more. Here's your guest Dr. Tara of Love Bites
Unknown Speaker 11:36
if you if you want to get your act together, up just fine. Whatever they really, really, really, really, really, really want
Unknown Speaker 12:09
Okay, guys, first video podcast, and we have a beautiful guest to start with. Everyone. Please welcome Dr. Tara, thank you so much for being on the show.
Unknown Speaker 12:20
Hello, everyone. Hi. So happy to be here. Thanks for having me, Ashley.
Unknown Speaker 12:24
Yeah, this is our first episode, like I told you and I told our, you know, listeners, so we're gonna be you know, having some growing pains. But I'm super excited. This is what we've been working for, for two years now. So it's, you know, and you're a podcast host as well. So I know that you can be excited for us as well. It is
Unknown Speaker 12:41
it's so exciting. I think video is the future. You know, like audio is great. But video is so engaging.
Unknown Speaker 12:47
And you know, we both have sex podcasts. And most people who listen to sex podcasts, they're not going to turn down the video aspect, the visual aspects
Unknown Speaker 12:58
of Tara here.
Unknown Speaker 13:00
So let's jump right into it. You know, it's a different format, when I have an expert on as opposed to our normal athlete guest. But I still want to ask you about your background, because all I know is that you were an immigrant from Thailand. And now you are a confident sexpert. And I'm sure there's a lot in between. But could you walk us through your journey?
Unknown Speaker 13:21
Yeah, like, can I tell you a little story? Yes. Yes, please. We
Unknown Speaker 13:24
love stories. Okay,
Unknown Speaker 13:25
so I am originally from Thailand. I was born and I grew up in Bangkok, which is big. It's a big city. But in Thailand, sex is very much taboo and sex talks like never happen. Right? So growing up there, I felt like it was very sexually conservative. So when I was when I hit puberty, which was like 1213, I was feeling a lot of like sexual feelings, but I did not have anyone to go to. I did not have anyone to talk to my parents never talked about sex. Like, did your parents talk about sex?
Unknown Speaker 14:01
No, no, I had very absent parents. Not abusive, nothing like that. But I look back now just not there. So you end up learning on your own, whether it's books or your friends or the hard way, which is what happened? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 14:14
Yeah, me too. So my parents didn't talk to me about sex. And then my school did not have sex ed, like Thailand doesn't believe exact said. So I have like no information. So everything that I had learned from teenage years is either from talking to peers from reading a magazine, or from porn. Yeah. Mainly from porn, because I grew up in a generation where we had dial up internet, like, I don't know, I feel like we're in the same generation. You're 30
Unknown Speaker 14:44
I'm 34. Okay, same. Okay. So, growing up, we
Unknown Speaker 14:48
had a dial dial up internet.
Unknown Speaker 14:50
I just, I just saw a meme. I have to tell you this. If you know what a s l is, it said I hope your back is okay. And I'm like, Oh, my back is messed up. So yeah, yeah, seriously,
Unknown Speaker 15:01
but like, with download internet, I remember like loading up a porn video. And then I'm just so afraid my parents would walk in, I think a lot of your listeners may be able to relate to this, like, just wanting to explore, like, what is sex? What is it like, but then like, what I ended up learning, as I'm older as I'm in my PhD program is that a lot of that is very toxic. A lot of that is very unrealistic, and it creates a very unrealistic expectations amongst all of us. So we enter relationships with misguided information, right? So fast forward from, you know, me being in Thailand and growing up having no sex education, not really anyone to talk to learning, mostly from porn. When I first moved here to the United States, I mean, number one, I did not write English very well, like, you'd be surprised how well I write now as like, English is not my first language. But I did not write English. While I did not speak fluent English. I've came here, you know, I'm not not a generally shy person. But of course, I was like, very socially anxious because it's America. Like, it's a new brand new place. People don't look like me. People don't speak my language. So yeah, I had a lot of like, social anxiety. What age did
Unknown Speaker 16:16
you come over?
Unknown Speaker 16:18
I came over, I think 2020. Okay. Yeah, so a lot of a lot of us, I think can relate to like feeling socially anxious, even though we're a confident person, or even though we are not a shy person. Like, you know, I was very socially anxious. And I just remember, I started dating people. And throughout my 20s, I didn't realize I have a problem that I did not understand myself sexually. And when I engage in sex, it's all about my partner. It's all about pleasuring them. It's all about getting validation from them. Yeah. So I rarely experienced sexual pleasure. In my early 20s, yeah. Because of that, like people pleaser characteristic that I have. Yeah. And I want you to like me, I want you to validate me. So let me do all these things for you. So sex became very much a chore. Because like, if I don't get sexual pleasure from it, then it is a chore. Yeah, blow job is a job.
Unknown Speaker 17:23
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or no, if you have a partner that you are so immensely connected with or in love with, you may get pleasure like I do, from seeing them get pleasure. But the actual act, it's, you know, let's face it, like it's not my favorite, you know, sexual act of giving blowjobs but the gratification that I see on my partner's face, and the sounds he makes, that turns me on, so that, you know, I understand what you're saying, though. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 17:49
you're a generous lover. And I did not discover being a generous lover until my late 20s. So like, all my early 20s, I had a bunch of sexual partners and all about it was about them. And it was never about me. And a lot of women it's it's almost like an epidemic. A lot of women that watch porn growing up learning from porn, they think they should sound like porn, and they should look like porn. Oh, a man comes into the room, you should immediately get wet without them touching you. And then just like, Oh my God, come fuck me. Right? Like, yeah. Oh, my God. Yes. Right. Immediately. Yeah, like with no foreplay with no clitoral stimulation, like all of that. So it's fake.
Unknown Speaker 18:30
Yeah, the format of porn usually is, you know, when the guy comes in, you know, that's the big grand finale. That's what you're working towards. And then it's done. And it's like, there's two of us in this situation.
Unknown Speaker 18:43
Exactly. So I had that thought my whole life, like when I was younger, so I was in that the whole time. And then real. As I started studying more about romantic relationships in graduate school, and I have a PhD in human communication, specifically studying relationships from Arizona State Universities. I lived in Arizona for four years, and I loved it. And I was trained under professors that we're studying attachment style, a professor that came up with affection exchange theory, all of these things that explain that describes real life. And I'm like, Okay, well, I have a people pleasing issue I have never solve explored. I have insecure attachment. I don't know how to affectionately communicate. So I learned all of this in graduate school. And I have had, you know, an epiphany. like, Damn, I should embark in a real intense personal development journey. Wow, my, I call it sexual awakening journey. Yeah. From very, like, you know, timid, kind of like just tell me what I do. I don't ever ride like my partner because I don't know how to like, Yeah, I'm going to embrace all of this and learn to be really comfortable. Receiving pleasure and giving pleasure, right? Like how do I get pleasure from giving pleasure as well. So all of these things, after I graduated from, from my Ph. D program, I got my dream job as a professor at Cal State University Fullerton in Orange County. I love being a professor and you know, doing research as a professor, it's, it's very rewarding, because the more you do research, the more you learn a part, a big part of research is reading what has been done, right? So if you're doing brand new research, and before you collect data, we have to do what is called a literature review. For those of you that have went to college in like social science or humanities, you know what it literally is a pain in the ass to write. But in doing that, you learn so much of like, what has been studied? And what do we know now? Yeah. And when where do we go from here? So from then on, I started doing more research and sex. And my recent research, the one that I talked about in my recent TED talk was based on 5000 people, it's actually a little bit more, but 5000 is easier to say. And I was looking at factors that contribute to sexual satisfaction. Can you guess Ashley, what is the number one predictor of long term sexual satisfaction?
Unknown Speaker 21:29
I mean, you're a sexual communications expert. So I want to say communication.
Unknown Speaker 21:34
Exactly. Doesn't matter. Like, yes, the skills and the connection, all of that, like, is prerequisite like all of that matters. But the ability to have amazing sex or just great sex long term, you have to talk? Yeah, yeah, you have to be able to communicate before sex during sex. After sex. Yeah. So the fact that a lot of people think sex is just something you do is not something you have to talk about, you should just know what to do is bullshit, right? It's them holding themselves like, Oh, my God, I'm a sex god, I can do this. I don't have to talk about sex. Like no way you have to talk about sex. Yeah, there is a consensus in the research community, that sexual communication is a strong predictor of sexual satisfaction, of course, of course.
Unknown Speaker 22:22
And I mean, when I hear that, it's funny, because everyone always says, long term relationships are so boring, and the sex to just get so boring, right? Yeah. But in my own personal long term relationship that I'm in, we've been together over two years now, which is a long time for me. And I'm very proud
Unknown Speaker 22:40
of that long term in Southern California.
Unknown Speaker 22:44
You know, and you know, as our my relationship goes on, the sex gets better, because I feel more comfortable with my partner and talking about these things. And he feels more comfortable talking to me, and he knows he's not going to be met with ridicule, or, or teasing, I don't know, you know, whatever, someone might fear about talking about sex, there's no worries, in a long term relationship, you truly love the person. And if you're going to be with them long term, you better talk about it, because sex is very, very important.
Unknown Speaker 23:11
It is it really is very important. And without the facilitation of communication, better sex cannot occur. Right. Um, so when it comes to like, top questions that I typically get from my followers, or from my clients, one of them is, how do I bring up a sex issue? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 23:33
I mean, just just the beginning part is hard, you know, and, you know, I, you are the expert here, but I, I've been in my own personal situations where I've wanted to talk about a sexual topic with my partner, and I realized setting is also very important. Timing, and delivery. With anything. I think now that you think about it, you know, you can make things more comfortable with those three factors. But in my opinion, like, those things are very important. I don't know how to phrase it perfectly, you know, but if you set it up in the right way, it might be a little bit easier.
Unknown Speaker 24:09
Totally setting setting means so much. Because think about it, if you bring up a sex issue, like right after penetration, or right after sex, people are very vulnerable after sex. Like that's why that's why people think sex is such a big deal is because we truly show like who we are what we're doing, we're naked, you know, we're inside each other. We're exchanging fluids, like it's a very vulnerable situation. So to be bringing up such like, how, you know, who, yeah, something that they might feel is wow, like attacking their character. Yeah. Right actors. So setting like you're on point they're setting means a lot. So we're like, I usually recommend my clients or my listeners, like, do something low stake. Like, say it maybe during morning coffee, or when you're when you're on a hike, because when you're on a hike, maybe it's more relaxing, you're outdoors. You're less like, you know tense. Again, like bringing up right after, like a really long busy workday is also bad, ya know, setting these off. So definitely think about that. And then delivery, right. I always tell people make it a we issue, not a you issue.
Unknown Speaker 25:27
Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Like, hey,
Unknown Speaker 25:29
like, I love you. I think we have good sex, I definitely want to try ABC, I think we can really have fun from it. I think we can really grow from it. I think we will really enjoy it. What do you think? Yeah, that's great. Instead of like, you never want to do this. You never want to try. You don't initiate sex. Like, that's attacking people. And there was never in history of psychology, that people change based on an attack.
Unknown Speaker 25:57
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, we're talking specifically about sexual communication, but anything, you know, especially if you're in a relationship, or even a work relationship, you know, being inclusive with your terminology can make it feel less, you know, like, it's the sum their fault. You know, like, it's something you can work on together. Yeah, that's, yeah. You know, when you say it out loud, it's kind of like, well done, but you don't think about it that way.
Unknown Speaker 26:22
No, and millions of people use those words. Yeah. Like, like, just, it's the best way to go is to make sure it's a we issue and not a you issue. That's great.
Unknown Speaker 26:35
Yeah. So you know, now that we've kind of like, dove into what you do. I know you also, you know, you said you're the professor and you do sexual communication, coaching at love bites.co. So I guess what I want to do was kind of like a hypothetical. So okay, if me and my partner, we are a heterosexual couple. And we two years in, we'll use my real relationship. Sorry, boyfriend, and you know, I want to, you know, talk to my boyfriend about something or I'm having a certain issue, how does that work? Do I just contact you? And then what if my boyfriend is a little standoffish? Can you get sexual communication coaching? By yourself? Or does your partner have to join in?
Unknown Speaker 27:19
Great question, and you know, a lot of people have have confusions about that, when it comes to When do I get coaching? So, in, in general, like, I'm a sex and relationship coach. So if there is a sex and relationship issue, you would come to someone like me, versus I want to get this off the bat versus like, if you have had a specific trauma you want to work on, I highly recommend a therapist. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But if there is a certain sex issue in your relationship, or a relationship issue, or maybe you're you have been monogamous for a long time, and you kind of want to try opening it up a little, but you don't know how to approach it. Okay. People like that come to me. So my clients have like, a specific issue and a specific goal. Yeah, you know, they want better sex, they want more intimacy, more connection, new things, so they know what they want. So typically, you're like, let's give, let's do your scenario, okay. You can do one or two things. One, you can reach out to me first, as an individual, right? And say, like, Hey, here's, here's all my concerns. Here's what we're going through right now, in terms of our sex life, you know, like, he initiates a lot more here, things I don't initiate, I find him less attractive than before, I just want to tell you all my problems right now. So that when we come in together for couples counseling, like you know where I'm coming from, okay, so sometimes a person in a relationship will reach out to me first, okay, and set up the couples call later. And then a couple comes in, and then you know, I can do it face to face, like in my office in Orange County, or LA, or we can do it on Zoom. But typically, one person usually reach out because that's the one person that feels the most pressure from that issue. Yeah. Or the much fewer times, but it has happened, you know, quite like 10 times is the couple reaches out together. So they had already talked about their issue. And maybe it's at a point where they don't know how to reconcile because of the differences. So they're like, let's reach out to a third person. Let's talk to her let's see what she says. Here's where we're coming from. Were different on this perspective now, like what do we do? Yeah, so sometimes couples do come in together.
Unknown Speaker 29:35
That makes sense. I guess what I was wondering, you know, that makes sense to me. But what if, you know, and obviously it's an issue already if this is the situation but what if my partner like he's stubborn and he doesn't want to do it? Do what I still get the same benefits from just one on one coaching and then taking those suggestions or lessons, information into my relationship? I mean, is that possible?
Unknown Speaker 30:00
100% sex is 70% Use 30% Your partner. So a lot of times if you are, like, you know, having a blockage or an issue with your partner, it, it is most likely that a part of you is contributing to that issue. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've never like, Oh, it's 100% their issue or you know, of course, so I so when I coach the person, and they are able to go back to their relationship, apply some of the things I suggest, typically the results that I see is that their partner becomes a little bit more soft, a little bit more open minded, a little bit more empathetic, yeah. And then there, and then eventually, they either come in together, or eventually they start doing the practices that I recommend.
Unknown Speaker 30:45
That makes sense. Because with anything, it's like, if you take the lead, and show you're willing to change or compromise or whatever it is, you know, you kind of like waved the white flag or you know, like, take the first step, then the your partner is more willing or more likely to do this, something the same?
Unknown Speaker 31:03
Totally. It's, it's basic psychology called modeling behavior modeling be so same with children. As children, we absorb the way our parents interact. Oh, no. And we model our behaviors based on them. And I'm not saying we don't change, we do change based on like our peers, our siblings, past like relationship experiences like this. Yeah. But when we were young, when we were kids, we absorbed those, and we model our behaviors after their behavior. So in a relationship, we also model our behavior based on what's going on with our partner. Okay, so if you're in a relationship where both of you are closed off, both of you are 10s. You're not having sex, you're not having intimacy, that's just mirroring modeling off of each other, and it's endless. Yeah, you know, there's negativity or there's lack of passion, lack of intimacy, it's endless, you could go on forever. So one person has to change that makes right so back to your question, can you improve the relationship by coming to the coaching session? on your own? Yeah, yes, you can. Because you will be the person that changes, you will be the courageous person that starts doing something positive for the relationship when it comes to passion. And then hopefully, the partner is able to pick up these things that you're modeling, and they do it after you
Unknown Speaker 32:30
make sense. So what are you know, I know, this is a loaded question, but, you know, maybe like the top five or top 10, if you can think of, you know, what are the most common issues that you deal with in your profession? You know, I mean, lack of sex, you know, people want to have multiple partners. You know, I don't know cheating infidelity. I don't I don't know, what are the main ones?
Unknown Speaker 32:54
The number one issue. And this is number one for all therapists to or like that might my I have a lot of therapist, friends, sex therapists. So the number one issue, I want to
Unknown Speaker 33:07
start, I want to see if if my team can guess team DJ. So what is the number one issue with the sexual sex coaching? guesses? Talking? Is the male not being communicative?
Unknown Speaker 33:23
That's the third issue. But yes, that's a top issue.
Unknown Speaker 33:27
woman doesn't want the woman just doesn't want to have sex.
Unknown Speaker 33:32
Okay, so that's, that's an explanation outside of this top issue, but let me share the top. Okay, good. Having back. Okay, so now number one issue that couples come to sex coaches for sex less relationship? Oh, no sex at all. No, no sex. Oh, you wouldn't be surprised and I don't want to shame anyone. This is very normal. There are some couples that have not had sex for three years.
Unknown Speaker 34:02
That's about three years too long. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 34:06
yeah. Yeah, there are. There are real couples high performing individuals and societies. Very smart. Very successful. Yeah. You're not having sex.
Unknown Speaker 34:19
And that doesn't mean that it's a loveless relationship. It just means no no. Other Yeah, no.
Unknown Speaker 34:23
Pathan. Oh no. Yeah, yes. Love. Yes. Care. Yes. You know, all of the above. Yeah. Well, sex. No passion. Yeah. So yeah, it's close is emotionally intimate. But it's like a roommate is like a good friend. Yeah. Yeah. You live with your best friend. No passion. That is the number one issue. Okay. Right now and um, I assume that it has been for the last 20 years and that's why we see so many divorces. And the reason for those divorces a lot of times is lack of sexual compatibility or lack of sex
Unknown Speaker 34:58
lack can lead to Through infidelity or something else,
Unknown Speaker 35:03
most of the times yeah, fidelity. Okay. Yeah. So if you don't get the pleasure and the feeling desired from your relationship, and I'm not justifying infidelity, infidelity is bad. Yeah. But here's the reasoning though psycho psychological reasoning behind infidelity is that they don't feel wanted and desired in their current relationship. When someone you know, shows them a tension gives them a tension are interested in what they're saying. They want them they express that like, oh my god, like, you know, you're so attractive. I can't even stop looking at you. The guard that you have up based on monogamy, a marriage and promises tend to go down that bar. Yeah, yeah, it tend to fade away because now someone is giving you what you need as a human attention and feeling unwanted, right? need this as a human so you don't get it in a relationship. You typically want to get it elsewhere. And you know, a lot of people don't like that. I say this, all our women don't like that. I say this, because they're like, Oh, are you justifying? It's okay for me to cheat. I am not what I'm saying here. Let's do PSA. What I'm saying is sexual pleasure and passion and a long term relationship is a two people job or more. If you're in a polyamorous relationship, it's typically a two people job. So if there is a lack of passion, it's rarely one person's fault. If there is a lack of passion, it's two people. It takes two to tango. It takes two to have a sexless relationship. Yeah, yeah. So yeah. Okay. I'm not saying that I'm saying you should improve together. Yeah, to find that passion and sexual intimacy back to each other again.
Unknown Speaker 36:56
Yeah, of course, you're not saying that infidelity is okay. But you're just saying that there is a reason behind any move that you make in a relationship? And if you don't know, the reasons why that's happening? How are you going to fix that? So Zack, it's important to point out why it's happening or what leads us there mentally or emotionally. So this is a podcast where we have on primarily athletes. So as an expert, I was wondering if you could talk about some, you know, without saying names, is there any specific problems? I will say problems, specific issues that you've dealt with, from athletes in their relationships?
Unknown Speaker 37:36
Yeah, I what I've seen so I have athletes as clients, I mean, being in you know, LA and Orange County, I come across a lot of athletes of different kinds. The two issues that I typically see is one is situational, erectile dysfunction. Yeah, and then two is females, lack of sexual desire and lack of sexual arousal. Yeah, perhaps from like extreme training, I have women that are runners that are like, professional like, you know, marathoners or like runners, and they're really skinny, and they don't get period, you know, every month. And they say that, you know, I don't have any sexual arousal, like, I touch myself, I stopped, I stopped masturbating completely, because I just don't feel the arousal, to feel the urge to do it. Right. I don't feel the urge, I don't feel and then when I do it, it doesn't feel that great. So these are some of the issues that the athletes have. But then there's one other issue that just came to my mind right now. And this is a couple, one of them is an athlete, a professional athlete. And the other is not the other was an accountant. And their issue is the athlete wants to have rough sex. Oh, and you know, like, go go go hot, passionate, rough sex. Yeah. But the partner wants more like tantric, slow energy, eye contact, hovering, like all of these other things that may seem like an opposite of the aggressive sex, but really isn't. So I had to, you know, do some probing questions with a couple. And then we came up with, like, different practices that they can do together.
Unknown Speaker 39:28
Oh, that's great. Yeah. I mean, my first thought
Unknown Speaker 39:30
is you like rough sex.
Unknown Speaker 39:32
Yeah. You know, and that's a common. It's a common question that I ask all the athletes because it's like, especially their combat sports athletes. So it's like males and females. We just, you know, I don't even know if this is bad to say, but we're kind of like alphas, right? It's like, you know, we are very dominant and aggressive and assertive. And so I love to ask because it's different for everyone. Does that translate into the bedroom? And I'd say most of most of the time It does. But for a lot of the women like myself, it's the opposite. We are so aggressive 24/7 When we get in the bedroom with our partner, it's like the one time we can be submissive and let our guard down and not and be controlled. And that's okay. So it's different with everyone, as you know, but yeah, personally, I like to be aggressive, but my partner is also an athlete. And so I he's more aggressive than than I am. And so I kind of let him take the lead. And I like that.
Unknown Speaker 40:32
Yeah, that's the situation that I'm seeing is like male athletes, like aggressive sex. But then sometimes due to maybe like too much training too much gym, as well as just a lot of psychological pressure. When they do have sex. They tend to experience these like, you know, sexual anxiety and just situational ad. Situational ad is not clinical. So like, you can have an erection but like in six different situations, you experience ad
Unknown Speaker 41:05
I'm sorry, could you clarify a little bit more situational ad and clinical ad? What is difference? Clinical is my guess is clinical. It may be because of like a supplementation like steroids or, or overtraining. And then situational would be a mental or emotional thing.
Unknown Speaker 41:24
Yeah, yes. So an OBGYN would ask this question. Do you get a boner when you wake up? So if you have a team around you, do they get a vote?
Unknown Speaker 41:39
Do you guys have morning, would you not every day but it happens a lot. We got a yes. A sometimes and Edie just blushed.
Unknown Speaker 41:47
So yeah, an OB GYN would say do you get a boner? Like, you know, when you wake up? Okay, if you do you don't have clinical Ed? Oh, that's great. Right. So that's a simple, that's easy. Yeah. So for all of your listeners, if you do get a boner here and there, like you don't have clinical ad, this is when you have to treat it with like medication or injection. Yeah, yeah. Other than that it's psychological. Got it? The majority Ed issues. It's because it's psychological.
Unknown Speaker 42:13
Oh, I didn't know that. I would have guessed it was clinical. Just because I don't know. I don't have a wiener. I don't think about it that much. But yeah, okay. That's about wieners every day. Think about my boyfriend's winner every day.
Unknown Speaker 42:27
But yeah, it's psychological, particularly with athletes, because athletes are very competitive. Athletes are very, like very much striving and they want to win formance based.
Unknown Speaker 42:36
Yeah, we I mean, like, even insects. I know, for me, sometimes I'm having a great time. But like, I'll like think of myself outside of outside the box, or like outside of myself, like, how does this look? You know, because, and I don't know if this is because I'm a giving partner or self conscious. But I'm also thinking about like, do I look sexy right now? Am I writing his dick in a sexy way? Or do I look weird, which I know that our partners are not concerned about the way you look, if you're, you know, on top of them having sex, but yeah, I'm also thinking about like, am I giving a good performance? You know, not in a false way, you know, because I'm enjoying this sex. But I think athletes, males and females, we are competition based. And we're always thinking about our performance as well.
Unknown Speaker 43:25
Yes. So that's why, like, back to your question about, you know, the issue with athletes like when males, erectile dysfunction is so normal, like so common because you are Performance Base, because you were competitive, because you're aggressive because you want to win, right? And not a negative way. Like it's a positive way. You want to have a great experience during sex. That's a win. Yeah. But then all of that pressure. Especially for a male, you know, for a penis. It's a lot. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 43:56
I Oh, this is such a loaded question. But you know, quick response. Let's say I'm a male, I have clinical Ed, or sorry, situational Ed. You know, how would I go about obviously, let's see, I get a sexual Communication Coach, like you, Dr. Tara, you know, like, how would you help me get out of the clinical? Sorry, situational Ed? Like, how does that work? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 44:22
I'd say there are three things you can do. One is start meditating. And I know a lot of athletes already meditate
Unknown Speaker 44:30
so hard for me. It's so hard. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 44:33
If you want to have a friendly guided meditation, and it's sexual meditation, so it's specific, it's sexual meditation. Yeah, it is. If you want to have a friendly guide, I have sexual meditation videos on YouTube. If you just search love bytes by Dr. Tara, you will find these videos. But basically my number one prescription is sexual meditation. It allows allows you to get out of your head, get into your breathing, controlling your dick, and basically get more feel more it this will sound like it's counterintuitive, but like, get more control by letting go. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 45:15
no, no, no. I mean, I think athletes specifically will understand this because there's a lot of performance anxiety for mixed martial arts or boxing, whatever, you know, whatever the sport is. So it's probably a lot of the same techniques with breathing and visual visualization and, and that kind of thing. Oh, that's great. You know, and that's, that's very helpful for the athletes who are suffering from that, because it's like, if you can focus on winning the fight or, you know, winning the game, you can do the same thing with getting your wiener hard. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 45:48
That's also meditation. It's it allows you to surrender so that you can have a better control. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So sexual meditation is my first like my number one prescription for situational ad. Number two is it's related to meditation, which is breath work. I've been talking to pharmacists, they're they're called the Men's Health unscripted there on Instagram. They often talk about breathing through your nose because there's literally points in your nose. That goes directly to your deck.
Unknown Speaker 46:24
Whoa, guy. Yeah, close your mouth. Breathe through your nose. Guys.
Unknown Speaker 46:28
Do not breathe from your mouth, man. And it's
Unknown Speaker 46:31
not the same for women. You know, you don't have that same pathways.
Unknown Speaker 46:35
It's a it's specifically for men. Okay. Okay. Yeah. For male male bodies with penises. There's specific places in the nose. So doing regular breath work activities, like practices, like you've heard of, you've heard of like Wim Hof. I have, I have, yeah, so there are like specific techniques out there for breathwork that are actually great for erections. Wow, I would highly recommend doing that.
Unknown Speaker 47:01
I'm learning so much. I did not know any of this. talking a lot about winners, but that's good to know. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 47:08
Well, we nurse first, then we put the after. Okay, I went to a posi worshipping class, it was really cool. So I want to talk about that, too. Okay. So the third one, I would say is communicating to yourself. It's called intra personal communication. Okay. And as a as an athlete, you must have heard about positive affirmations and visualization.
Unknown Speaker 47:31
Is it kind of like self talk, like what you're doing? Okay. positive self talk,
Unknown Speaker 47:35
right? Like pep talk, right? I think that's huge in sports. So, like, I think LeBron James, in what in one interview, he says, You know, I visualize and I tell myself, I'm not tired. Yeah, I'm not tired. I'm good. I can do like 100 more balls, I can, you know, I can do this. I'm not tired. Therefore, I am not tired. So. So positive self talk, or like, whatever self talk that you need is great. There's psychology behind it. There's proof there's evidence. So this is for men and women that want to become more sexually confident, that want to feel like they are able to feed into their sex appeal. positive self talk is great. So I would say for men and women in the morning if you want to like look in the mirror and just say I am a great lover, I am sexy. I have amazing sexual energy. I do it every day. It's like a part of my brushing like I brush my teeth. And then I say it
Unknown Speaker 48:30
that's so and all everything you're talking about are you know knots. I don't say simple, but things that you can work into your daily routine. They don't do anything you know is you know, you don't need any devices is breathing self talk like that. That's so great. I want to take a quick break to thank our sponsor, perfect sports. These guys are always keeping things fresh and being creative with their flavor options. Their newest flavor of diesel whey protein isolate is no different. Inspired by the fall season, perfect has come out with a limited edition Pumpkin Spice Latte flavored protein. Pumpkin Spice Latte provides a spicy and savory aromatic taste that can be enjoyed warmed or chilled. Remember guys, this is a limited edition, so make sure to get your orders in soon, inventory will be going quick. As always, this new limited edition flavor provides you with the same benefits that diesel always does. It's third party tested for banned substances and is the highest quality that protein can be. Order yours now by heading to perfect sports.com and using my code rebel girl for a 20% discount.
Unknown Speaker 49:44
Guys, this is a sex podcast. Let's get down to it. What man doesn't want to improve direction strength, penis size or a better sex life in general. Penis pumps are not just an Austin Powers gimmick. We're proud to announce our new partnership With Bathmate Bathmate are the world's best penis pump, harnessing the power of water for real, lasting improvements for your penis size, erection, strength, personal confidence, and sex life. Bathmate hydro pumps have helped over 1 million satisfied users worldwide. It's safe, affordable, and backed with a money back guarantee. So what are you waiting for? To check out the different products and for a 60 day money back guarantee, and a massive two years manufacturer's warranty. Visit bathmate.us/rebel. And start your journey today.
Unknown Speaker 50:37
The GM Pump It Up why your feet are stomping? Yeah, that's why I always say like, I'm not trying to sell anything. You're just sharing what I know. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, these are these are great things. And of course, for people with Volvo cars with vaginas as well. So for women as well, what the three things that I just said is not just treating erectile dysfunction. It's also great for women that want to enhance their sexuality and have better sex. Yeah, there's proof. So there's a lab in Canada that does specificly research, experimental research in females sexual arousal. Wow, thank you. function and dysfunction.
Unknown Speaker 51:20
Canada's great. I hear nothing but good things about Canada.
Unknown Speaker 51:23
Exactly. So there's a lab that studies specifically female sexual dysfunction and female sexual function. And they found that meditation increases the ability to enjoy arousal, and increases sexual desire. Okay, yeah, we'll add it. Oh, that's
Unknown Speaker 51:40
great. Last less personal question, you know, and I'm just putting my, my own stuff out there. You know, I'm kind of showing everyone that, you know, if you don't have, you know, just you gotta have a little bit of courage to get uncomfortable, you know, so for me, my biggest issue is my self confidence with my body, especially as an athlete currently on the bench, unable to work out and train and mold my body into what I feel is sexy, right. But my partner, on the other hand, is infatuated with this fluffy version of myself, you know, just things that like figures in and and, and I love that so much. But how do I, as you know, an athlete who's just constantly holding myself to the highest physical standard? How do I feel sexy in this, you know, body that I don't want to be in? I will get out of it, you know, and I'm healing. And I know a lot of my listeners are athletes or in sports and all that. Or maybe they're just, you know, a regular person and accountant, like you said, who fell off a chair and now she can't work out or he can't work out? What would you say to that to my situation where it's like, I love sex. My partner is attracted to me. But my issue is in my own mind, where I just feel so unsexy.
Unknown Speaker 52:57
I love this question. And I know that lots of people can relate to it. Because there are some times I feel very shitty about my body. And I think more women than men experienced this. Because of how we were socialized to like, you know, look a certain way be a certain way. So more women feel more shame related to their bodies then met Of course, like a net negative body, like self image is a huge problem among young girls. Yes. So my first method to feeling more sexy and being okay with my body and even loving my body, even when it's not at the my quote unquote, Norm, yeah. Is appreciation. So I want to base it off of research. There's research that shows writing appreciation for life, allows you to you report higher life satisfaction. Just write it down. Yeah, just writing it down. So now let's apply that to body image. What if we write an appreciation letter for our body? Will we love it more? Yes, we will. According to the same logic with loving life. Yeah, I guess so. If we write down, I love my boobies. I love my tummy. I love my back. Thank you for letting me stand up. I love my legs. I you know, I am appreciative of my feet. Because I walked two miles today. Right? Like, loving your body means appreciating the every part of it. And writing it down is powerful. There's, you know, there's research and journaling, right? So I'm basing it off of that kind of research. So if you write down why you appreciate your body, you will slowly trick your brain to love it more to be okay with different body types. That's not the norm for you.
Unknown Speaker 54:54
I love that. And again, it's something so simple that can make make a huge impact.
Unknown Speaker 54:59
Yeah, Ah, yeah, I whenever I feel self conscious I and I journal every day, but I don't journal about my body every day. But when I do feel self conscious in the morning, I add that to my journal. Yeah, I
Unknown Speaker 55:09
guess it's whatever. Yeah, whatever you're feeling insecure about or worried about, you know, add that in.
Unknown Speaker 55:16
Yeah, like today, I am thankful for my tummy. You know, I am thankful for my arms, like, Yeah, I think it's it's minor little things. Again, another thing that you can do without buying anything or paying.
Unknown Speaker 55:30
Yeah, I love this. Okay, well, I feel like I would, I would love to talk to you all day about this stuff. Because I feel like I'm learning so much. And I know that the listeners and now the viewers are learning stuff as well. But if we want to learn more, I know that you have your own podcast, is it audio or video?
Unknown Speaker 55:50
It's audio right now. But you are inspiring me.
Unknown Speaker 55:53
You can do it. If I could do it. You know, you could do it. Or I'll connect you with these awesome guys. You know, that's yeah. They get boners. Right. Apparently they all get motors. Yeah. And I don't you know, I don't think they're afraid to talk about boners either. But, you know, if we wanted to continue to learn, like we are today, what do you normally talk about on your podcast? Just kind of sell us on real quick.
Unknown Speaker 56:20
Okay, yeah. So, Love Bites by Dr. Tara podcast, focuses on sexual wellness and sex exploration, source exploration. So I have guests from anywhere from, you know, an expert, the number one researcher in female sexual arousal from that lab in Canada, the Sexual Health Institute, Dr. Laurie Broto. To come on and talk about all these experimental cutting edge research, improving female sexual functioning. So I have guests from, you know, highly like academic people to you know, my reason guest Daniel St. He is the founder of a premier sex club.
Unknown Speaker 57:02
Oh, I know more. I've heard of that. Yeah, I follow him on Instagram.
Unknown Speaker 57:06
It's yeah, it's a membership base is it's very, it's very sex positive. They have a whole sex club in New York, and they're expanding everywhere in the US. Yeah, they have. They have 1000 members. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I have him on as well talking about sex clubs. 101. Like, what is it like in sizes inside a sex club? And then what are the do's and don'ts? And then you know, from then on, I also have a person with a personal experience. So this girl Caitlyn, and actually her episode is top, like one of the top. Listen to episodes because people just love hearing real live experience. Yeah, so she talked about her first time going out with a girl and being heterosexual. But like going out with a girl and having sex with a girl fingering a girl for the first time licking her pussy, like eating her out the first time, but as
Unknown Speaker 57:56
as a heterosexual girl, or as a woman who is exploring her sexuality?
Unknown Speaker 58:01
Well, she has always been a heterosexual girl, but now she is hetero flexible. So like, going on days and have actual experiences with women. But she is in a relationship with a man and they have amazing communication head around their friend
Unknown Speaker 58:18
Unknown Speaker 58:19
That's a new term.
Unknown Speaker 58:20
Yeah, I'm like, Whoa, I thought I was on the cutting edge of sex term, but I am not. What is the difference between heterosexual and bisexual?
Unknown Speaker 58:29
Yeah, so a hetero you mean hetero flexible?
Unknown Speaker 58:32
Sorry. Hetero flexible. Yeah. And bisexual.
Unknown Speaker 58:37
A bisexual typically is interested sexually interested in both men and women. Okay, right. Like almost equally, like, oh, yeah, like I'm attracted to women I'm attracted to men doesn't mean they're attracted to every single person, ya know, they're able to be like, Oh, wow, like I'm into this girl, I'm into this guy. Okay, but a hetero flexible person is they feel related to and resonate with heterosexuality most of the time minus that like 2% of like, I want to explore a woman once a year or every now and then that is hetero flexible.
Unknown Speaker 59:16
There are so many terms for and I try to be so I try to be as in the know as possible, because you know, I want to be inclusive and not get canceled also. No, but
Unknown Speaker 59:31
terms all the time. But you know, being a professor, and like lecturing every day, I kind of have to keep tabs with like, what are some things out there now that I don't know. And there are still things I don't know or have never heard of? Yeah. Yeah, that Gen Z's are using like no idea. Yeah, so there's always terms No, no shame on that. There's always new terms. And you know, it's all about just continuously learning and sharing.
Unknown Speaker 59:56
I love that. We're getting close to the end. So I gotta transition into some of our games and then some fan questions at the end if that's okay. Okay, so we always play this game we usually do it with athletes but I thought since you're so bubbly just down you know, let's be a little silly and let's play a game of fuck marry kill
Unknown Speaker 1:00:24
one marry one kill one go. I think we're done. We're done here.
Unknown Speaker 1:00:28
So I'm gonna give you three names and you're gonna tell me out of those three names who you would fuck who you would marry and who you would kill Okay. All right,
Unknown Speaker 1:00:36
your your people are Dr. Phil. Dr. Drew Dr. Doolittle. So you gotta you gotta choose from those three days.
Unknown Speaker 1:00:51
This is amazing. Okay. Oh, fuck is easy. I will fuck Dr. Drew if you're listening to Drew. Dr. Drew Are you listening?
Unknown Speaker 1:01:05
Love Bites, luv bi te DM her.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:09
Exactly. Listeners tag him. For this episode. We'll be listening. I said fuck Dr. Drew
Unknown Speaker 1:01:17
got it. Okay, so who Dr. Phil and Dr. Doolittle? Who's gonna be we're gonna marry and who you're gonna kill.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:25
I will marry Dr. Doolittle.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:27
Okay, okay. You like animals? Like animals, but I'm fucking allergic. Okay. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 1:01:34
I know. As I was saying take like antihistamines the rest of my life. But I will marry Dr. Doolittle. I like a passionate and pathetic, cute guy. So I will marry him. I think he will be a good lifelong partner. And I'll probably kill Dr. Phil. Okay,
Unknown Speaker 1:01:49
got it. And just for my own personal knowledge. Are you in a current relationship? Are you single?
Unknown Speaker 1:01:54
Yeah, I am. I am in a relationship. Okay. Okay,
Unknown Speaker 1:01:57
awesome. So I got some really fun fan questions for you right now. crossly. We have at Biff star five, my wife has an extremely low sex drive, but hormone levels tested normal. What's next?
Unknown Speaker 1:02:19
Back to what when we talked about meditation, breath, work, journaling. All of these things can help increase sexual desire. So nowadays, when we say sex drive, what we really mean is sexual desire. Okay. So for women with low sexual desires, there are experimental studies out there. There's evidence that shows meditation, sexual meditation, breath work, and then obviously like exercise eight, right? All of these contribute to higher sex drive. So 100% I'm a big fan of meditation. I think it helps you feel more sexual. And when you feel more sexual as a woman, you feel good about yourself. You'll feel more sexual. You're more likely to have sex.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:04
Yeah, makes sense. All right, at Jervis manages Oh, six, what's the best way to spice up my sex life?
Unknown Speaker 1:03:11
Try new things. You know, it's it sounds like such a no duh. Like every you know, Cosmo article, a women's health article talks about this. But think about it this way in psychology, right? Stability, and excitement are the opposite end of the continuum. When there's stability, it means there's a lot of certainty. There's a lot of closeness. There's a lot of like feeling vulnerable and open. There's not a lot of excitement. Excitement is on the other side of the continuum. So the best couples that have passion in their sex life are the couples that are able to negotiate this continuum.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:51
What do you mean negotiate? Exactly?
Unknown Speaker 1:03:53
Yeah, so do actually putting in the effort and trying new things. Sometimes. I'm not saying like, have crazy sex every night. But what I'm saying is once a month, try something new. Yeah, you know, try something new that make you feel naughty, something secretive, have sex outdoors. Try roleplay try like mild BDSM or hard videos. Um, depending on what you're into. Yeah, you know, try something new. That engages that part of your brain for excitement. Yeah, yeah. And that can carry forward in a relationship for like a month or even longer. So I would, I would say in a concrete way. concrete advice is once a month, try something new.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:33
Okay, that makes perfect sense. And it could be as simple as like adding in sex toys.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:38
Literally. Yeah, literally. Yeah, a brand new sex toy. It could be something as simple as we're gonna play a sex game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:48
At Little Tina x x. My girlfriend constantly tries to dirty talk and sex to me, but I'm too dumb to figure it out. Please send help.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:59
I love this. And, you know, we're not meant to feel comfortable with sexting because for hundreds of years, even communicating about sex is taboo and most of the times illegal. Yeah. So now we hit 2022. And we just expect people to be so good at sexting. Yeah. So yeah, number one, like feel less shame, right? Like, I want you to feel okay, that you're not comfortable. It's completely okay. And for everyone that's listening. That's like, I'm not good at 60 You're completely normal. You're fine. Okay. So next is how can you what like, what can you say? Well, if your girlfriend is sexting you like maybe a naked pig, I would say modeling behavior. So he said, No naked pics and her naked. Right?
Unknown Speaker 1:05:47
I just thought, you know, like, when males tend to do this a lot, you know, they don't model the behavior, right? So you're like, Hey, I was just thinking about you. And then they're just like dick pic. And you're like, Whoa, like, that escalated too fast. Like you got a model. Build up.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:07
Oh, can I can address that? Yeah, yeah. Because too many guys send dick pics too early. It's quiet. It's very off putting. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, like sending dick pics too early is off putting you know what's hot. Consent was really attractive. It's like, Can I send you a dick pic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or yeah, you know, when someone asked that. It's kind of like shocking. So like, if my partner asks me, can I send you a pic of my and then like, an eggplant emoji when he asks me that the asking the actual asking is hot. Like, oh, yeah, like send it to me. I'm ready. Yeah, he
Unknown Speaker 1:06:42
cares about how I feel. He cares that I'm comfortable with this. He's not just doing it like a co worker. Yeah. Yeah, you're not the grocery store.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:51
Exactly. asked me if I want it. I'll say yes. Then send it to me. That effect will be tenfold.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:57
Okay? Yeah. Okay, so being more comfortable modeling the behavior and anything else about what sexting because it is so common now? Oh, yes, please. Chair pick. Illegal. Oh, zone was always a question. Do you Jason wants to know, is sending an unsolicited dick pic illegal?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:18
It's not? It's not? No, it's not?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:22
Can it typically be a form of harassment?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:24
It can't be if you send it every day. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 1:07:27
and there's probably a very gray line with one dick pic and seven dick pics. Like what? Where's the man?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:33
Exactly? It becomes? Yeah, that is a really good question. So you can go report it at like the police station when it becomes harassment because sexual harassment is illegal.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:44
Yeah, I would just you know, block the first time you know, then if they find your number again. Then you know you got a weirdo on your hands.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:51
Unknown Speaker 1:07:54
Okay, awesome. Thank you for being random
Unknown Speaker 1:07:56
man with monkey brains. Like Ranger. Like okay, let me tell you it's never okay to just send a dick pic to strangers. It's never okay. Yeah, I don't I don't care of your Brad Pitt is never okay.
Unknown Speaker 1:08:10
No, no, not at all. Okay, next we have at the one who got who got it? How do I tell my boyfriend his hygiene needs to improve, which is why I avoid oral.
Unknown Speaker 1:08:22
Yes, I love this question because it's
Unknown Speaker 1:08:27
brutally honest. Yeah, a
Unknown Speaker 1:08:28
lot of men are not great with their hygiene, right? Especially long term relationships. They kind of just like give up and they don't trim their pubic hair, or people that used to shave don't shave, and they like don't clean the under their balls. They don't like thoroughly clean their penis. So what I would do in terms of communication, is instead of just like, can you go wash it, which is like a lot of times fine, because men are very literal. If you were just like when you go wash it a blow. I'll give you a blow job. They will literally run to the bathroom.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:02
Yes, yes. Very true. Yeah, I've told my boyfriend before
Unknown Speaker 1:09:06
my partner and like, Hey, babe, do you want to go wash your dick right now? I'm gonna give you a blowjob. He will run to the bath.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:11
Yeah, I've literally told my boyfriend. Hey, I will suck your dick. But I was hoping I could put your balls in my mouth. Could you go trim them and he's been like, be right back. And it's worked perfectly so but if you were wanting to be a little bit more sensitive, I guess is probably what this person is wondering. Yes.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:27
If you wanted to be more sensitive, the communication that I would do is through action. So like Hey, babe, let's take a shower before we have sex tonight. Take a shower together and make it a sexual thing you know, clean his balls and like yeah, when you go to bed, maybe give a little reward like maybe give them a blow job. While giving a blowjob. Maybe say like, like I love the smell of you after right after shower. So flex Yeah. reinforcement. Positive reinforcement works if you're like a laugh like you smell so hot after a shower like this is Smells so sexy. Yeah, not it will register in his monkey brain.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:06
shower. Shower blow job shower.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:09
Shower. Okay. 0101
Unknown Speaker 1:10:13
Okay, that's, that's great. Pretty simple. Let's see. Three more questions we have at Gabby Grando I watch porn, but I'm worried it's ruining sex for me. Is there any truth behind this?
Unknown Speaker 1:10:25
There's so much truth behind it. There's actually a lot like hundreds of studies on porn. Too much porn usage, which is called porn, reliance, and then porn addiction. Okay, so two different things. You can be like porn reliant, but not an addict. Not an addict. Can also be an addict.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:48
You can be porn reliant as in like to get a boner to get arousal.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:52
So every time that you masturbate if you have to rely on porn in order to get a boner and to come, that's porn reliance. Got
Unknown Speaker 1:11:00
it. What about for women as well? Yeah, for women
Unknown Speaker 1:11:03
to every time they masturbate and to be able to come literally or when they masturbate, and they have to watch porn every single time. That's boring reliance.
Unknown Speaker 1:11:12
Okay. And then addiction is you can't come unless you're watching it.
Unknown Speaker 1:11:18
And that you don't have control over that addiction. So like, let's say, you're sitting in a train, you have to watch porn because you have an urge. Oh, no, that's yeah, you're like in an Uber, you're watching porn, because you haven't ordered Oh, no, that's an addiction and addiction. Addiction is when you have to satisfy it when you have an urge without any control. So like is the same as being a drug addict? Yeah, yeah. Okay, got it. So it's no good like poor reliance is no good. porn addiction is no good. I wouldn't work really hard to self regulate and like try to use imagination next time you masturbate? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 1:11:54
And if you are addicted, you know, the extremist level. Maybe slowly wean yourself off. You know, you maybe just watch a little I don't even know if that's possible. Or yeah, every you know, you know, imagination one day porn the next. I don't know.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:08
Whoa, Lika. Yeah, baby, baby steps and gradual. Okay. Yeah, great. But we do have porn addiction, I highly suggest you see a sex therapist.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:16
Which is you your sexual communication?
Unknown Speaker 1:12:20
Well, I can help with I can refer to another therapist in your area where like, maybe they take your insurance or whatever. But yes, okay. So you also you have to see a therapist. Okay. That's it for this just like drug addiction and alcohol addiction.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:36
Okay, so you also work with people who have singular issues, not just in relationships. Right. Got it. Okay, great. Good to know. Anonymous. How do I make myself more comfortable with sex? If I come from a religious background?
Unknown Speaker 1:12:50
Yeah. I often tell people, I'm I'm religious as well. Oh, yeah. So if I can do it, you can
Unknown Speaker 1:12:58
do it. Yeah. I'm like, you don't really put sexpert and super religious next to each other. But
Unknown Speaker 1:13:03
totally Yeah. And I'm learning now that there are a lot of other religious people that I know that are very sexual. Yeah. Because they're able to disassociate the good things that come from their religion, with the misguided teachings that they don't resonate with. So I'm going to share it a little bit. I'm a Buddhist can, you know, I go to temples, I give merit, I donate I practice, I pray, I pray every day. So I pray every day and then I fuck every day. So
Unknown Speaker 1:13:35
it's always balance, you know,
Unknown Speaker 1:13:36
it was a really good bounce. So for those of you that are from religious background, I understand you, the first thing to do is maybe when you have a time to self reflect, I want you to think about the good things that come from your religion that you can resonate with. Maybe it's community, maybe it's faith, maybe it's confidence. And keep that in your religious bag, like religious bucket. And then now let's look at how how has your religion affected you negatively when it comes to self confidence and sex? Have they taught you that you're impure, that you're dirty, that you're not worth it? Because you had sex? That's misguided now that we know from sciences and you know, actual research, let's dump that bucket. And then let's put in sex positivity stuff in this sex pocket instead. So I always say you don't have to listen to everything your religion says. Yeah. Yeah. And that would be the first practice would be if self reflection and separating the good from the bad. Yeah. Okay. If there are like negative teachings, like you're going to hell, like I would remove that. Yeah, yeah. Right. And then fill in with good things. Like I love my body. I am able to receive pleasure. I am worthy of receiving connection. All of those things. Yeah. One of the two people that I've talked to recently on my podcast One of them is an OBGYN and she's a very sex positive person, but she's also very religious. And she's that God is pro pleasure. And that's her belief, okay, like that I go to church, and I'm pro pleasure and I believe God is pro pleasure. And like, so that's her. That's her deal is that you create your own reality with your words. And that's her words. That's great. And another person. This is a funny story. is Leila London, she, she wears a butt plug, and she goes to church and go get out what is it communion or something? That's why Catholics do that, oh my god, I all I like almost lost my butt plug. It was like, it just makes me to so I remove guilt from it. Like I come to church because I like like talking to my God, I like having faith. But at the same time, I'm gonna have a butt plug in my Bible.
Unknown Speaker 1:16:02
Okay, that's great. Yeah, you know, we can make jokes about balance. But, you know, the, the way that religion makes people feel shame around sex, and premarital sex, or whatever it is, or same sex, you know, same genders, you know, sexual encounters, it will completely throw them off the religious path completely. And it's like, well, what's better, you know, taking out some things to make yourself more comfortable with your religion, or completely just saying, all right, this is telling me I'm dirty. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not a religious person. I don't know. But extremely good insight. Thank you. Dr. Tara, we have one last question. At Michael Travis MMA, how can I tell my partner I would like more sex without it seeming like a task?
Unknown Speaker 1:16:46
Yes. So remember, I, I always say, you know, modeling behavior is the best. So you want more sex and you think that they don't want to have sex with you? Perhaps there is a disconnect with emotional connection? Perhaps there is a disconnect of you not understanding where she's coming from? Like, why does she not want to have sex? Does she feel like you have gained a lot of weight? You don't care too much about sex about her during sex like you just use her? Why is she not wanting to have sex? Right? So number one thing is being a sexual communication expert. I always say you have to communicate. Yeah, you have to have a conversation about like, hey, is there something that I do that perhaps is not very pleasurable to you? Because my goal is so for both of us who have a great sex life, so please tell me what I can do to improve that process. And if you start with that, start with like, what I can do, she doesn't feel attacked, she doesn't feel like you don't want to have sex like you know, there's something's wrong with you. Like you never want to have sex with me. Don't never say that. Because it doesn't work. Like there's wasn't work doesn't work counterpart. Always go with what can I do to pleasure you more, so that they open up in this conversation? And then from there as what feels really good for you? What is ideal in terms of sexual frequency? Do you want to have sex? Once a week, twice a week? what's your what's your expectation? My expectation is three, three times a week. Oh, your expectation is once a week. How do we reconcile that? Can we do mutual masturbation? Can we do you know? Can you give me a handy while you use a vibrator? Can we do something else that sexual together like mutual minute sexual meditation? So you have to talk sexual and and that yeah, sexual meditation is my favorite thing to do. So you have to talk. The sexual communication is necessary in this case.
Unknown Speaker 1:18:48
Yeah, yeah. That's great. That was our last fan question. But my last question to you I ask all of our guests. If you could pick the next guest, who would you like to hear next on sex and violence to rebel girl?
Unknown Speaker 1:19:00
Oh, I wouldn't. Okay. I would love to hear from Gosh, what's, what's her name? I love to hear from okay. I would love to hear from Dr. Laurie Broto. Who's that? She is the leading expert on female sexual arousal.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:19
Is she the Canadian? Yeah. Okay. I will.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:22
She's the president of that lab. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:25
Awesome. Thank you. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:27
I think she will be Yeah, she will give you such good insight. And you have so many good questions. So I think that she will be able to share very, very valuable things for your listeners.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:40
And you know, the first thing I think is like, okay, she's an expert in female sexual health, but, and I'd say 85% of my listeners and viewers are males, but who's going to benefit the most isn't? Is it just women? No, sometimes men need to sit down and he listened to a 45 Min. next to an hour podcast about women's sexual pleasure, because guess what? 100% all of a sudden your partner is going to be like, Whoa, you know, what have you been doing? And then you're going to increase in the frequency of sex because it's going to be more pleasurable for your partner.
Unknown Speaker 1:20:13
Yes, yes. I always say sexual competence isn't just the thrust is the brain. So yeah, men, educate yourself. Listen to you know, females talking about pleasure talking about how they get pleasure, how to communicate, how to have better emotional intimacy, because all of these things can only enhance your life is like taking vitamins, right? This listening to your podcast right now. It's like taking vitamins for your next life.
Unknown Speaker 1:20:38
Yeah, that's great. I'm gonna use that as a tagline. Okay, so we picked your brain. I'm gonna listen to your podcast more frequently, because I'm just shocked at how much I learned in this 45 minute to an hour episode with you. So I want to keep listening. But besides your podcast, and please tell us where we can listen to your podcast. But where can we follow on social media and anything else you would like to promote right now.
Unknown Speaker 1:21:03
So you can listen to love buys my doctor Tara podcast anywhere you get your podcast, it's everywhere, Spotify, Apple, and everywhere else, you can go to my website that has everything on it, love bytes.co l UVB i t s.co. All my social media is love bytes.co. So my Tik Tok, which is growing rapidly, it's all on sex ed is loved by taco and then my Instagram is love bites.co. For those of you that want to try sexual meditation, to and search love minds by Dr. Tara, you will be able to find these guided sexual meditation to try to have fun with your partner or just have fun alone and enhance your sexuality. Other than that, if you want to go even further, and do some sexual journaling, I have a sexual mindfulness ebook that's out. And it's 30 different activities you can do to enhance
Unknown Speaker 1:21:59
yourself. Oh, I love that I love that I'm all about doing I'm traditional. So I will you know, am I able to print that out? And then actually, Oh, that's amazing. Okay. Besides that, I think you know, that's about it. I can't believe it's already over, I learned so much. I had such a good time. You know, all these links, guys. As always, I will always put them in the show notes. So you don't have to write this down right now. But anything else you wanted to tell us about? You're such a knowledgeable woman.
Unknown Speaker 1:22:32
I would say you know, talk about sex, you will be surprised how much it improves your relationship. For those of you that are single and are dating, like going out on date, bring Sex Up, it really can like lighten up the mood if the other person is receptive. Or you will really learn about this other person and how they approach sex. Maybe you're like, wildly incompatible, then you want to know right away. So talk about sex. There's so much benefits from talking about sex.
Unknown Speaker 1:23:03
I didn't realize until you just said that which is so like, Duh, but we've been programmed that we just go on the date and then you have sex with the person and figure things out after sex. But there's no rule that says you can't talk about sex before having sex. I'm like okay, well talk about sex. It's been so informative. Thank you just like the most educational podcasts we've had. Oh my
Unknown Speaker 1:23:27
gosh, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, love your work Ashley and you're I mean you're looking so attractive right now um, I would say a very actually into this.
Unknown Speaker 1:23:38
And are you feeling hetero flexible right now I am
Unknown Speaker 1:23:41
feeling very hetero hetero flexible right now but thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure.
Unknown Speaker 1:23:46
Thank you have a great day talk to you soon. Bye bye. Evening say That's it guys for episode 92 with Dr. Tara. I cannot believe we are almost at episode 100 Zol deejays oh wow, we still don't have a guest okay guys I'm asking you please write in to the Instagram or our email which is a sex and violence podcast at Gmail suggests a 100th episode guests were stumped. I have some ideas but I want to hear from you guys who would you like our 100th guest to be? Next week we have a flyweight in the UFC. Her name is Miranda fear the maverick kind of interesting nickname. She is coming up she's going to talk about her love life. He's she's reached recently engaged and married, and she's killing it in the UFC. So it's gonna be a great episode. As always, guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please don't forget to check out the merch. We're actually doing a giveaway. I didn't talk about this in the beginning of the episode. But if you buy some of our merch one piece, you are automatically entered into the US signed UFC glove giveaway. And that winner will be announced on April 30. So if you go to website sex violence with rebel girl.com You buy a hat, a sticker coffee mug, a crop top whatever it is, you're automatically entered into the signed UFC glove giveaway. You can always email us that sex and violence email@example.com And a big thank you to our guys. DJ Zol at DJ Zol tomorrow could studio at tomorrow kids official and you can always find us on Instagram. It's at sex and violence with rebel girl and our backup account. I always forget to tell you guys this but you know there's Karen's out there. So follow our backup account at sex and violence with rebel girl with the number two behind it. And that's about it guys. We've got a really great episode coming up for you. So stay tuned. What do I say every week? Be kind be grateful. But don't take shit from anyone. We'll see you guys next week. And talk to you guys next week with a new guest immortals of sex.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai