Episode 39: Sex Therapist - Dr. Kristie Overstreet
Hey guys,
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welcome back to sex environments
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with rebel girl,
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where we interview top level MMA fighters and other experts in their fields about love, dating, romance,
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and that all too taboo subjects.
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I'm your host, Ashley, Rebel girl,
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Evan Smith.
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Now let's talk about sex.
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What's happening? Hot Stuff?
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What's up all my naughty listeners? We are back.
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And yeah,
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Rebel girl.
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I told you guys last week that I was going to take this kind of money making rollercoaster ride with you guys. And I am a woman of my word. And I did. I signed up. And of course, I use my code, Rebel girl to get 50% bonus match on my first deposit.
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I'm a big high roller. So I deposited $100. And of course I got $50 extra to play with. Okay, I'm cheap,
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but I'm scared. I'm
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scared to lose money, guys.
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But I'm doing it with you. So what I did was a parlay. I learned what a parlay was. And I also got a little ballsy and I did a prop bet. I
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don't know what a prop bet. Well,
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I didn't know what it was either. So we're learning we're growing. But I mean gambling. To me, what I'm finding out is it's like fighting, you suck at first, and you got to learn a lot of hard lessons. And you're going to get kayode financially, but then you get better, and you win money. And so I'm going to do it again. this coming week, we've got the UFC, back in Las Vegas. It's a god, what number is this? I don't even know anymore. Maybe it's a fight night, but the prelims are on fight pass. If you don't have that, it's like 10 bucks. And then the main card is on ESPN plus, which is also I think about 10 bucks. For 20 bucks. You can watch the fights. Oh, it's UFC 258 the headliners are Kumara uzman versus Gilbert burns, that is gonna be a banger. I'm going with burns. He's been on a roll. But it could go either way. So gambling is scary, but I'm gonna go with burns. And then the CO main is a female fight. Because unfortunately Uriah Hall and Chris Weidman that rematch fell off the card. I believe. Weidman got COVID COVID. So now the ladies are gonna get a chance to shine. It's Macy barber versus Alexa grace. Oh, man, I love Alexa grace. So she's just got
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a I believe
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she's Hispanic. I'm pretty sure and she's like, flew when she looks like she's got that like Girl Next Door faced very sweet looking but an awesome badass fighter. So I'm picking grace. So So burns and grace. So then the rest of the card is just awesome too. So let's go over it real quick. Kelvin gassed alone versus Ian hainich. Pedro Munoz versus Jimmie Rivera poliana Viviana versus Mallory Martin. Julian Marquez versus MCI Bartolo Gio, our girl Gillian Roberts is taking on Miranda Maverick. Now
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I'm torn
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because I work for suckerpunch Entertainment, Brian Butler and Brian hamper. I'm working with them in a small way. Who knows maybe I want to be you know, a manager someday, I
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don't know.
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But Miranda Maverick is under Sucker Punch. But we had Julian Roberts savage Gillian on the podcast. I'm like, all right. I'm just not gonna bet on this. too. Awesome fighters. It's gonna be awesome and fun to watch. So, and few more fights. We got Jim Miller and Bobby green who Bobby green going for him OC guy, and Diego Lima versus below Muhammad. And lastly, Ricky Simone versus Bryan Keller. These are, these are going to be great fights. This is an awesome stack card. If you guys don't know some of these, you know prelim fights. They're going to be just as fun as the main event. So
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also, there's
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two days left until Valentine's Day or if you're single, like I said last week, Singles Awareness Day. But whatever your love status is my Valentine's Day gift to you is today's guest. It's you know, I gave you guys a chance last week to send in questions. So this is My gift to you. I'm bringing a professional sex expert a sexpert on. And well before we Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself before we talk about our guest. Let me tell you about what's going on with me. Same same. I am still recovering from my spine surgery. I know you guys are getting tired of hearing about it. But I got some new stuff going on. I got some new titties. Yes. I said titties, boobies, Tatas, or, as my boyfriend likes to call them, honkers. And sure. That's the most unattractive word for boobies. So please don't call them honkers. But shout out to Dr. subvolume. in Newport Beach, California. Got them done last week. They're already looking Tip Top Magoo as Jodi as would say, pretty, pretty happy with them. No, guys, it was not an impulse buy. I've been thinking about this for many, many years, probably going on a decade. Now. I'm 33. I've never had this much downtime in my professional career. So I just took it opportunity. You know, it's like, I'm already going to be out for six months, unable to train, I might as well do something that I've wanted to do for a long time. So I did. And you know, I mean, we only got one body and I want to look good while I'm young. So but for anyone who tries to tell me different, and just to get some things clear, guys. Yes. I'm still fighting. This does not mean I'm you know, going into the different industry. No, I'm not starting an only fans and no, I'm not going to be doing porn. So just throwing that out there because the internet always wins. And you guys love to troll not you guys with you know,
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trolls. Alright, that's enough to talk to talk. That's actually sounds like a good name of a segment.
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Data guys,
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maybe, but also, some more good news besides a titties is we have our Patreon. Finally, up and running, the link to the Patreon will now be in the show notes. Every episode, we got a cool tier system going so like five bucks, you get a live video version of the podcast. So if you're listening to this right now, you want to know what I look like. You guys could, you know, support us for $5 a month and get a whole bunch of little extras and bonus footage $10 you get more $20 all the way to $50 for the big spenders. You guys get all the previous tier goodies plus a monthly video chat where we can talk about anything you want. We could have lunch, we can do a question and answer session doesn't matter. So if you guys want to support us, that would be awesome. If you could, you know, give five bucks, 10 bucks, something like that, but no pressure. We support you guys for listening. This will always be a free podcast. There's no pressure on that. But yeah, I mean, other than that, we've got what we got going on we got
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Yeah, no, that's about it.
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We still give out free stickers. We're working on our new merge in our website. Oh, shout out to Becca. I cannot say her name. She's amazing. It's pun t Titus. She's working on our website right now. And we're going to have the Patreon link, a YouTube link all these amazing things in one place all the merge the shirts the giveaways, so stay tuned for that. Yeah, let's hear a word from our sponsor. This podcast is brought to you by ella parody.com. The adult toy store that strives to inspire and empower women, men and couples of all experience levels and interests. inspiration that can lead to a more fulfilling life through discovery and expression of intimacy and pleasure. Visit Ella para de.com and use code rebel girl at checkout to save 15% off your order. Go ahead,
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visit e l l a pa
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ra di s.com and use code rebel girl to save money on your next intimate purchase. Today's guest is a certified sex therapist, relationship expert and creator of the ideal intimacy method. She's here to offer her expert insights and advice into all things sex and relationships. Let's listen in and learn some tips and tools to identify and navigate issues that might normally be uncomfortable and taboo to discuss. We talked about the sexual buffet, sexual habits of athletes, intimacy variances, not taking things personally in bed, pro sex advice for a fan questions and so much more. Here is your guest, Dr. Christy Overstreet.
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Come down
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All right, we have Dr. Christy Overstreet on the show today. Dr. Christie is okay to call you that Dr. Christie.
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Absolutely.
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Okay, thank you so much for coming on the show. This is gonna be educational and sexy and probably just enlightening. I'm very excited. I don't even know where to start. Tell us exactly what you're certified in. I call you a sexpert. But I don't even know if that's a real word.
Unknown Speaker 11:15
Yeah, that's a good, good way to put it. I'm a certified sex therapist, and a clinical sexologist and a licensed therapist. And I've spent most of my days talking with people about sex and intimacy and all the nuances that go along with it.
Unknown Speaker 11:30
Wow, that's kind of my dream job. But I don't want to go through all the schooling that you went through. Okay, so how did you get into it? What I mean, what sparked that interest in becoming a sex therapist, as opposed to a regular therapist or going into any other line of work?
Unknown Speaker 11:54
Well, if you'd have told me growing up in this little town in South Georgia that I would grow up and be a sex therapist, I would have said, You're absolutely lying. This is not possible. First of all, it's not even a real job. It's not gonna happen. So it literally found me I stumbled into it. I originally went to medical school and my dreams ever since I was a little girl was to be an emergency medicine physician. And after my first year med school, I was like, This is not me, something's not working. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing. My life didn't line up. And I had some really incredible parents that said, Hey, if this isn't working out for you come back home, reset, and figure it out. And so went through my own struggle of failure of this was my life plan that I had planned and thought about and to do. And when it didn't work out, I had some struggles with that. And so I started working for the Department of Family children's services in the state of Georgia, helping children that were abused in homes and foster care. And I met a therapist for the first time. And growing up where I grew up really small rural town, I'd never met a therapist, there's still no therapist there. Because the size and something just clicked. I knew I wanted to help people. But I didn't know that that was a possible way of doing it. So I became a therapist and started in the field of addiction work. And what I noticed is that so many people were struggling, whether it was their individual sales, or relationships, talking about sex, and sex just kept coming up as an issue. And I'm like, first of all, I feel comfortable talking about sex, I got my own stuff with it. And I need to figure out how to do this in a way that's gonna be the most productive for the person or for the couple or the relationship. So I found out you actually can get trained to be a certified sex therapist and went on and got my doctorate in it. And here I am, still can't believe it.
Unknown Speaker 13:37
Wow, that's great. I love that you worked with the children that, you know, it breaks my heart. But at the same time, it sounds like people like you are the perfect kind of, you know, person to work with them. It takes such an empathetic and sensitive and kind of I feel like an emotional person to relate to children to.
Unknown Speaker 14:00
Yeah, it's one of those things is, I'd never learned so much about life until I did that job. I saw some of the most incredibly horrible things I've ever seen, and seeing children go through as well as saw some of the most beautiful blossoming evolvement of children when they're safe and secure. And it just shows that every single one of us all were wanting to be as safe and secure and loved and nurtured. That's it. That's the basics and to be able to experience that and see both sides of it really helped form, you know, the hardest service that I have.
Unknown Speaker 14:32
Yeah. Did you find that working with children kind of made you see that some of the issues that adults have with their sex life stem from their childhood, or is that was that not a connection that you made?
Unknown Speaker 14:46
Yeah, again, because especially when it comes to abuse, I saw so many kids, you know, be abused, whether it's a family system or whether it was, you know, a family friend and saw what they were going through and Then solve some, you know, that were then becoming abusers later. And they were not able to get their own health care, their own therapy, their own evolves. And I was like, wait a minute, there's so much of this stems from our lack of talking about it our fear of worrying about what someone will say, or even it's so many of these kids, they were not believed by their family members. So that caused them that shame and guilt as they grew up into young adults. So yeah, that definitely sparked an interest.
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Yeah, and,
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you know, part of the the thing that we love to do here on sex and violence with rebel girl is normalize this type of conversation, for any age for any gender for any partner situation. And I'm sure that's kind of what you do as well. Being a therapist, regular or sex therapist is help someone verbalize and normalize these feelings that they're, they're going through.
Unknown Speaker 15:52
Yeah, people feel so alone out there, because we're not talking about it. And that's what I love so much about your work in the show, and this mission of yours to normalize these conversations, because we're all having them. But most of us are having to not talk to anybody else about them. And so the more we educate and bring awareness, those folks listening right now can feel not so alone. They're not crazy. They're not weird. The fact that they're into this certain thing doesn't make them a bad person, or shame because of it. And I think that's how we really make big change for people and see what you know what they're actually capable of healthy relationships, when they can see that this isn't anything to be ashamed of.
Unknown Speaker 16:30
Yeah, and that's exactly what we like to do. One of my favorite quotes, one that inspired me to do the to do the podcast is shame dies, when stories are told in safe places. And I think that's what we're doing. So I'm super happy to have you on the podcast. It's a rewarding job for me. You know, I call it a job, but it's it's really fun. It's a hobby. What's, what's the most rewarding part of your job?
Unknown Speaker 16:58
Oh, goodness, probably when you you see or hear someone get this aha moment. Like it clicked for you. They're like, Oh, okay, well, I can I can accept this about myself, it doesn't mean that I stopped growing, or stop, you know, continuing to be my personal best, but I'm okay. And I'm starting to accept myself. And that light bulb clicks. And it's just really cool to experience. So I'm, I'm the lucky one that gets to work with people to see those light bulbs go off.
Unknown Speaker 17:25
Yeah, like, I guess you'd call like a kind of a mini breakthrough.
Unknown Speaker 17:29
Yeah, absolutely. You're really cool to see.
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Okay, well, vice versa, what have been what, what's been one of the biggest struggles in this career, I'm sure working with children, and all the sad things that you had to see was really hard. But now as a sex therapist, what's something you've had to struggle with?
Unknown Speaker 17:50
Probably, you, when you when you see someone that's just right, right there on the cusp of getting it. And they get so close to kind of getting their own aha moment, or that except as of themselves of what they're into, or what they like, or getting ready to talk to the partner about what they like, and they just shut down. They just can't quite get over the edge. And it's tough, because you know, I want to be here and be the cheerleader for them. But I also can't push them because that's not very responsible because I'm not living in their home. I'm not living in that relationship. They know how far they can go and how far they can't go. So when I see someone right on the edge, they are taking that leap of really being their true self and speaking up for what they need. When they get stuck. It's really hard to see. Yeah,
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yeah, yeah, I bet it's like, getting so close to that breakthrough, but not actually breaking through.
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Yes,
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so I've done my research on you. I know a lot of the stuff that you've already said here. But for those listening at home, let us know what the ideal intimacy method is. I'm excited about it. about it. I'm going to actually take your courses, but I'll let you explain what it is.
Unknown Speaker 18:59
Yeah, I'm thrilled to have you in it. I developed this specifically the adult intimacy method for women specifically, because what I found is, I have plenty of toxic relationships in my past, and so much of my experience in growing up and becoming an adult and navigate things was I really was looking for an emotional connection with partners. And I was only given a physical connection because I thought you gave sex to get a relationship. Just what happens. If I have sex with him, he's gonna show up and want to be you know, with me, that's how it works. Okay. I tried, I tried so hard, and I just couldn't figure out and for so long, I just pointed a finger. I was like, you know, this is their issue. I got all these toxic people in my life. They're the problem. They're the problem. They're the problem. And then I was like, wait a minute, look at me who I think I am pointing that finger. And I just stopped and say, What is it about me, I'm the common denominator, like they're only doing what I allow them to do in my life. And so that's when I said I've got to look at you know, six months. I often say what do I need to work on to get healthy. So I took these personal experiences, what I went through, and the strategies and the tips of how I kind of pulled out of it and got a healthy relationship on top of I've worked with 1000s of clients over the past 14 and a half years now, and put this method together of helping people figure out their emotional and physical intimacy needs than removing those blockers that get in the way, right, our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and behaviors, and then putting into action. So the intimacy method is made up of this course that walks through these three phases, as well as group coaching and online support, so that you don't have to sacrifice your needs anymore. So through this audio intimacy method, working with women, developing, it'll be out soon a sexual self esteem course for men, because what I find out of doing the intimacy method, our guys are out there really struggling with their sexual self esteem, whether it's unhealthy relationship, issues with commitment, maybe trying to find the right partner, and then issues xx, you know, Ed issues, erectile dysfunction issues, getting her thoughts too much, really, all this pressure causes them to have sexual self esteem issues. And so that's really grown out of the second part of the program that I'm really excited about,
Unknown Speaker 21:13
Oh, that's great. I was just about to ask you, why not create a course for men as well, because you've obviously had female and male clients over the years, but you have a specific outlook, because obviously, you're female. So, you know, start with the female version first, and then go to the males. That's awesome. So what I'm getting is that the ideal and does meet intimacy method is your needs, your thoughts, and, and actions all together and kind of creating a plan to have a healthy relationship.
Unknown Speaker 21:48
Absolutely, it's opening yourself up and saying, I need that emotional intimacy, in order to really experience that physical intimacy, and then knowing that that connection between the two is really fulfilling because most people, men and women, they don't know what their intimacy needs are. And to be clear, I want to make sure I point out when I say intimacy, I'm talking about connection. Now, when we talk about sex and talk about sex. Yeah, emotional intimacy is an emotional connection. physical intimacy is that physical connection. And we need both as well as you know, there's kind of the types of intimacy so we need to know how to get those and we're not given this guidebook, or I don't know, maybe, you know, some people are, I definitely was not. Oh, not to figure that out. trial and error.
Unknown Speaker 22:32
trial and error. Yeah, that's great. So, man, I think, you know, some people have had plenty of sex, but they have never had an emotional connection with someone. So they haven't had the type of sex that you know, the type the type of great sex that they can't they, that is out there. So what I'm saying is like, I know that when you're in love with someone, the sex is even better than a one night stand. And I think that's because you have that emotional intimacy is you are you with me on that?
Unknown Speaker 23:06
You are so spot on. Okay, that emotional intimacy, like when you can have sex with someone you actually care about, like, it means you can be vulnerable with them, and you get to go to a whole different level. Let me tell you, and I know you agree with me on this, like someone's going to get the best part of you, especially sexually when they're meeting your other needs. Oh, you're gonna want to show up? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 23:26
Oh, yeah. Yeah, my boyfriend now. It's funny, I had to ask myself, I'm like, wow, have I turned into this submissive type of woman because he pleases me in every way. I mean, physically, emotionally, mentally, like, we laugh, we love, we're passionate. And I realized, I'm like, I'm, I'll do anything for him, because he makes me so happy. And I'm like, I'm not being submissive. I'm just finally in a happy, healthy relationship. And it's because, you know, I didn't do the ideal intimacy, method course. But trial and error, we've learned that to really get the best sex, not that that's the goal. But you know, to get better sex, you need to communicate and have an emotional connection. And you know, vice versa, they can help each other out.
Unknown Speaker 24:20
That's exactly right. And I get so because I work on a ton of men, and I'm like, wait a minute, I want a woman like, I want her to enjoy sex. I want her to try new things. I want her to do all this. And I'm having her going. That's awesome. She may want to do but are you showing up for her? Are you hearing Are you helping her feel secure? What are you doing to kind of lay that foundation because if you meet her needs and those to say she's healthy as you are, if you're showing up for her, she's going to show up for you as well. But that trust and intimacy are so tight, and it takes both people showing up to get there.
Unknown Speaker 24:49
Yeah, and that's, you know, that's the difference not it's not just my partner that has, you know, opened my eyes to all this but, you know, I'm recently sober. I talked about it on the podcast. Fast all the time, about a year and seven months now. And since I got sober, it's, I finally started taking accountability. So going to see a therapist, you know, realizing the kind of negative things that I do you know, when I'm in an argument, do I escalate? Do I raise my voice? Do I do this, and it takes a lot of work. But I've seen the benefits in my personal relationships now, not just with my partner with my friends and my co workers. And I know that it will take work on his part too, because it's, like you said, it can't just be one person, it's got to be the other person as well. So that's why I'm like, okay, ideal intimate intimacy method for women, but also the men because they've got to work on themselves, right?
Unknown Speaker 25:47
Absolutely. Congratulations on your sobriety, it's phenomenal. And you hit the nail on the head to like, you can take out substances, that if you're not changing the behavior, and how you respond and how you show up, right, you're not getting to experience that full life and absolutely takes both partners. And here's the cool thing about it is, our partner doesn't have to move the same pace, or the same amount of growth equal to us, because that might be impossible, but as long as they're moving along, and that you're both balancing each other out is what's really important. It really takes both people.
Unknown Speaker 26:18
Yeah, a lot can be said for someone who's trying, you know, I make a joke with people. I'm like, yeah, these days, I have a boyfriend who has a job. And he does this, because when I was younger, I set my standards real low. And I was like, Oh, he's trying to get a job. But at the end of the day, we kind of realized that it's, I don't like this phrase, you know, people say you got to date someone on your level. And I don't know what that means. Exactly. But to me, what that means is someone who has the same ambition and drive that you do, they don't have to be where you are, you know, financially or whatever. But if they have the same motivation and desire to be where you are, then I think that that makes it work.
Unknown Speaker 27:09
Absolutely. And that's one similarity. And we need similarities in order to make it work. People say all the time, oh, opposites attract. That's only to a certain extent, if you don't have somebody willing to show up and understanding you and moving at a similar page, you are, you're going to be misaligned. And, you know, it's really hard because the goal is if you're looking for a relationship to find somebody who's looking for the similar type of relationship you're looking for, and you got to both be in a healthy space to want it and get it and past each other the exact same time. I really think that it is that tricky to find the right connection, because you got to have somebody that's going to be on your speed or it will just won't work. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 27:51
so you said healthy relationship. The other day on our Instagram, at sex and bones with rebel girl, I posted something from your Instagram, it was a chart, a pie chart, and it said, the way to a healthy relationship, and it had six different categories. And I did a survey and I was like, Alright, guys, what do you want to learn about? I couldn't pick one. Everybody was like, you know, I want to intimacy I want to talk about this and that. So I think it'd be fun. If we kind of just go over those six categories. Maybe you can kind of give us a brief synopsis, synopsis of what you think, you know, each one of those like the key points.
Unknown Speaker 28:31
Absolutely. Or we're gonna start with intimacy. Right. So that's that connection. And remember, listeners, when you're talking about wanting sex, say you're wanting sex and you're wanting intimacy, say you're wanting a connection, right? Because intimacy is so important. There's 12 different types of intimacy and physical intimacy is only one of those different. We I know, Mom, low and rock crazy. But it's so true. If you think about it, communication, intimacy, crisis, intimacy, recreational intimacy, recreational intimacy is a big one. How do you connect when you have fun hobbies? Yeah. And so there's a lot of different types of intimacy. But we need that connection. And to get that physical intimacy and sex and touch and all that. We got to also focus on the other ones, because we may have a partner that might have different needs at different times their relationship, you have about personal growth, right? You want someone who has grown to be their best self, not for you, you want him to do it for themselves? Yeah, always say, yeah, go do you for you, you'd be the primary beneficiary and your partner gets to get secondary benefits from it. They get to grow and see you grow, but you don't do it for them, because it will never work out if you're just doing it for somebody else. I mean, I did plenty of that. I don't know about you. I thought well, I'll do this and that and they'll be happy and stick around. It
Unknown Speaker 29:48
never worked. Yes, yes. Yes. Okay. So first, we have intimacy, there's 12 different types of intimacy. You know, we won't list them all but you got to make sure that you're hitting all the other you know, points before you get to the one that we all focus on sex. And then you got number two, personal growth making sure that you're growing or your partner's growing for themselves, not for the other person, because that never works out.
Unknown Speaker 30:14
What do we got next?
Unknown Speaker 30:15
We got respect, being respectful, even when the person is not around, like you can do all the things in my face. But it's what are you saying behind my back when I'm not there? How are you acting right and being respectful of one another's time, especially as I mean, think about you, as an athlete, like you want to be with someone, I'm sure abortion is respectful of your time training, going to camp, taking care of your body getting rich, like respecting what's important to the person who's got boundaries, I think boundaries get a bad rap. Because people hear boundaries, like oh, that means like, you shut it off again, and you close the door. Now a boundary means I'm telling you how I'm going to be treated and how I'm not going to be treated. boundary is really just a guide of how you can show up and treat me. And that's important that both people have boundaries. And then big ones realistic expectations, I have had plenty of unrealistic expectations of my partners in the past, and it ended up blowing up in my face. So we can have to be very realistic about where that person is what their own growth. And then the last one is accountability of sales and accountability of partner, right, we have to be accountable, we got to our feet, and our mouth had to be going in the same direction, we have to be showing action and not just showing words for our sales. And we want the same from our partner. So those are dynamics that I find that makes up a healthy relationship. And this model,
Unknown Speaker 31:33
yeah, those six are great. So number three was boundaries. And I remember a specific instance, in my personal relationship is me. And my boyfriend's first started dating. We were training out in Las Vegas, and there was a boy who was kind of flirting with me, you know, who know it could have been construed as flirting, but I, you know, my naive self, I was like, Oh, he was just, you know, getting my Instagram handle for promotion. And, you know, my boyfriend is a little bit more realistic and is like no flirting with you. Anyway, it was our first kind of little argument we had just start, you know, first couple months into dating. And I remember looking at him and being like, hey, like, I don't want you to talk to me like this. This is not, you know, the way that I want to conduct my new relationship. I've had relationships in the past where there was jealousy issues, and all these other things. I'm not going to be in that type of relationship. And I'll never forget, like, the breakthrough moment, because he looked at me and he was like, I don't want that either. And I was like, oh, man, wow, found the man of my dreams. He's, he's, you know, instead of blowing up on me and being like, no, he just looked at me, he's like, You're right. I don't want that either. And I'm like, it, my heart melted. And I was like, Okay, this is gonna be this is worth working on no matter what bump we have. If you got that communication, like we're saying the intimacy, the emotional and all those other factors. I think, you know, you can work on it at least. And then the realistic expectations. I could you give us an example. What's a situation where maybe someone didn't have a realistic expectation?
Unknown Speaker 33:11
Sure, that would look like Oh, you're gonna want sex every time? I won't say unrealistic. Yeah. Right. Like our desire is going to meet. No, that's not how it works. This is not how it works. And I think so many couples set themselves up to have arguments because they start thinking, Oh, well, because our desire isn't the same or because our libido or because we don't want sex the same way or want to look the same. It's not going to work now. You just got to meet one another where you're at another unrealistic expectation would be to think that you're going to grow at the same rate, a realistic expectation be, Hey, I know I'm gonna want sex more in the morning. And I know you like sex at night. But you know what, I just I'm so tired at not if you're willing to have some not sex or not, it's gonna have to be some time on the weekend. Because during the day, I'm exhausted. Yeah. Can you do that? Yeah, you know what, I think I can make that happen. Let's do that a little bit more. That'll be realistic, because you're not putting blaming the other person for not being able to show up for an example sexually the way you want to show up.
Unknown Speaker 34:08
Yeah, that's great. I could see how you would have realistic unrealistic expectations, maybe in financial areas, meaning like, Well, you know, paying this much rent, you need to pay this much rent, even if that person isn't doing as good as you success wise and financially. Yeah, I guess there's tons of unrealistic unrealistic expectations that someone could have.
Unknown Speaker 34:31
Yeah, and we don't talk about it because it's not normalized to talk about we just are like thrown into or we catch yourself get into relationships, and we just have this expectation it's going to work or that, oh, you know, this is good. The first couple of months is gonna keep being good. That is the honeymoon wears off. Yeah. And so it's funny you bring up finance because almost every couple has one, two or three issues sex, communication and finance at some point, right comes up because they're very big issues that we have to be able to navigate and have the really realistic expectations about?
Unknown Speaker 35:02
Yeah, that
Unknown Speaker 35:04
that financial conversation is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I'm sure it's uncomfortable for a lot of people, but like, I've, I've never and will never care, you know about who makes more money or this or that. But, you know, as I'm getting older, I'm like, okay, someday, maybe me and my guy buy a house or go halfsies on something that cost a lot. And that's new to me. And I'm like, Oh, I don't want to have that conversation. But I know that if I don't, I'm going to create more problems for myself in the future. So and then yeah, though, so that last one, accountability of self and partner, I think that, in my opinion, is probably the hardest for everyone. Because that's the point where you have to stop and go, Okay, what am I doing wrong? And somehow, I feel like a lot of times, you know, like you said, we're quick to go toxic people in my life. Bad Guy. shithead don't want you know, so, you know, and for me, it took 33 years, I'm just now taking accountability for my actions. And yeah, that one sounds hard.
Unknown Speaker 36:14
ad is but like you said, it's so worthwhile because we don't really start even growing till we get that self awareness. And, and that can really open up so much. And it builds trust. When you're accountable to yourself, and you're accountable to your partner, you start trusting one now there are more and trust and intimacy or that connection is in tandem. So the more trust you get, I can tell you, the higher the intimacy level will be every single time.
Unknown Speaker 36:38
Oh, yeah, I this morning, my boyfriend drove me to a doctor's appointment, and we're talking and he casually threw out that his, one of his bosses is going to have a bachelor party in Miami. And you know, we're joking, and this and that, and then He kind of looks at me, and I can tell he's, like, kind of trying to gauge my reaction. And I'm like, it's okay, babe, you want to go to a titty bar? Like it's I understand. And, you know, it was just, it was honestly the first time that I just had a partner that I knew I could trust. You know, obviously, I don't want to think about some big titty girls. Granted, I'm a man. But,
Unknown Speaker 37:16
uh huh.
Unknown Speaker 37:17
You know, you got to let someone have that freedom. I think I don't want to suffocate My partner and I, you know, boundaries, right? We gotta, you know, go do what you want to do. Be faithful respect me, you know, act, right. Don't do anything unsafe. But at the end of the day, I feel like I'm like, wow, this is the feeling of really being able to trust someone. And it's, it's fun. It's new to me to do it, but it feels
Unknown Speaker 37:42
Yeah. What does and you know, he's coming back to you. You know, he's with you. And that feels really powerful. Because you know, that there's no the person that you have to compete with, because he's going to show up for you. And the way you build that trust is two things next, right behavior, which he's doing a great job at, right? And then the consistency, he keeps showing up for you. And that builds so much trust. And that's why you know, it's so important people, you know, wanted to do things and try things. Like you don't have that trust, you can't go out there on the line and do some things that might be outside the outside the lines and bring it up. If you don't have trust in that relationship, you're not gonna get very far, or you may get hurt or hurt your partner worse. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 38:25
yeah. So all these six aspects of a healthy relationship are probably talked about in the ideal intimacy method. Probably just a couple of factors. But, you know, we can touch more on that later. What I want to do is talk about three topics that I think are very important, the first one being, sexual self esteem, and how it plays a role in our sex lives and our relationships and how we choose partners. And you talked about this earlier, sexual self esteem, especially for men, but talk a little bit about how it is for women and how it is for men. If it differs, maybe it's, it's the same.
Unknown Speaker 39:04
Yeah, and we all have sexual self esteem, single relationships, whatever, we, we all have this opportunity to feel really confident and feel good about how we show up sexually with ourselves, maybe in solo masturbation sessions, or in sexual relationship with partner partners. And so much dictates of how we ourselves sexual self esteem and how we choose partners. And we have very low self sexual self esteem man or woman, then we're more likely going to choose and stay in really unhealthy sexual relationship. This might look like, you know, not getting our needs met, always giving and not experienced receiving. And that's what I hear a lot of times it's unequal, like, Oh, he's always wanting a blow job. But he's never want to go down like, well, that does not equal. And I'm not saying you got to like 5050 has, he has the every time but it needs to be a little bit more balanced. Right? Yeah. And so when we have a healthier sexual self esteem, we're not gonna put up with that we're not going to put up with being on the toxic person who's going to put it down. Sex is going to say mean things to us when we're naked or say something about our body. Or doesn't care about consent? Or Most importantly, don't care about our sexual needs. We're not going to put up with that or allow that happened. Because we're not going to be with a sexual narcissist.
Unknown Speaker 40:10
Yeah, right.
Unknown Speaker 40:11
We're going to say, hey, I want to meet your needs, because I know you want to meet my needs. And when we have that going on, we can both benefit from really good sexual self esteem. Hell, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 40:20
So
Unknown Speaker 40:23
let's say I have
Unknown Speaker 40:24
low sexual self esteem, which I feel like I do not. But let's let's play, you know, I have low sexual self esteem, what are some things that I can do to improve my sexual self esteem?
Unknown Speaker 40:38
Well, I will start by saying, What are you? What are you telling yourself about your your sexual sales? So you've got some thoughts are these beliefs about your sexual self, and it may be relating to how you see yourself what you think about yourself, it may be like, I'm not really good at sex, I can't, you know, swing from the chandelier. I don't reach orgasm, you know, I can't do all this wild stuff that people do on porn, like, they have all these really negative things. Or you may say, you know, I had this partner that said, I'm not really good. And then I'm only a good blow job, and all the negative things. And you want to write down, I tell people, like, you got to write this stuff out. Because our minds will say, my mind is so messy, I cannot trust it, it will get all mucked up. So write down these thoughts and beliefs will be the first step when you write them down, then I want you to go back and say, What evidence do I have that each of these are actually true? And what that does is it causes us to have to pick it apart. Like, wait a minute, I don't know that I can't swing from a chandelier. Maybe I've not had the opportunity.
Unknown Speaker 41:38
Yeah. Yeah, never
Unknown Speaker 41:40
know. But that's simple. But so, like, so scientific, you know, right, the, you know, the thought down now prove it. And if you can't prove it, it's probably a lie that you've created based on past experiences, or low self esteem or whatever, but I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna write down some Yeah. And I'm not confident about and then try to prove them, right.
Unknown Speaker 42:04
Mm hmm.
Unknown Speaker 42:05
Okay, cool. Yeah, that's
Unknown Speaker 42:06
definitely you could do that.
Unknown Speaker 42:09
Okay, so sexual self esteem.
Unknown Speaker 42:13
The better your sexual self esteem, the happier you'll be. Because you're, you're more vocal with getting your needs met, you'll pick a better partner, because you probably believe that you deserve a better partner. Yeah, I mean, that's, that's such a, it's, it's weird, because before now, I've never heard the phrase sexual self esteem. But we all have it, or lack it, you know?
Unknown Speaker 42:37
Yeah, absolutely. It's one of the main parts of who we are when we look at ourselves as a whole person. And our sexual selves is a really big part of Port part of it. But because sex is taboo, because we're not supposed to talk about it, and it says something about us, if we talk about it, we quiet that part of ourselves. And sometimes we make it a bigger deal than it has to be. And when we blow something up, and make it a big deal, or make it so minimal and small, we just tend to avoid it and pretend like it's not there, but it's very much there hit drops. Every part of us Honestly,
Unknown Speaker 43:08
I think that in society, society depicts men as extremely sexually self confident, and women as more, you know, unconfident and you know, a little more, you know, whatever the word I'm looking for is, but in your experience, you know, people can't lie to you. They don't, there's no point they're paying you to fix them. Right? So you get the real honest truth. Men don't have to put up this kind of persona with you. So in your experience, is it equal? Or is it is it more women that have lower sexual self esteem?
Unknown Speaker 43:44
It's pretty equal. But here's one thing that that I find, especially with men, men have so much pressure, we as a society are just like, we as women, and I've been guilty of it in the past until I had my own experiences and figured out put so much pressure on a man like, we almost have this expectation that they're supposed to perform like circus bears, right? Like they're supposed to have this performance. I mean, I can't imagine being a man and having to have all this pressure about you got to get an erection, you got to maintain an erection, then you got to actually have sex, and then you got to keep an erection. And then you got to finish and when it's all over. So there's all this pressure in God's hands just as much trouble as we do as women with reaching orgasm with a pressure to perform. And it's not a performance and we treat men differently. And it's just not fair. Yeah, we do this. That's
Unknown Speaker 44:34
true. So many things are weighing on them. Like don't come Don't orgasm too quickly. Yeah, I know, this is silly, but I think some men believe that the bigger your load of semen, the more the better, which I guess that's personal preference. But, you know, if a guy doesn't have that big of, you know, output, you know, maybe he Yeah, insecure, you know, or I don't I don't know, because I'm not a man, but I can only imagine they have their own sexual self esteem issues.
Unknown Speaker 45:06
Mm hmm. Absolutely. And for you guys listening, it don't matter, please hear us tell you it is okay. It was less of a mess to clean up. Yeah. Like, don't put so much pressure on yourself that there's no, I think that's the problem with it is a women can get away so much during sex with having to perform, or having to like to be able to have an orgasm or to say prove, right, because that's how we look at a jack ulation Oh, you proved that, you know, now it's finished, it's done, you know, you're satisfied all this pressure. Women don't have that kind of pressure because of you know, being women. And so totally different setups. So I just like, I really feel it for guys, because I think as women, we do not realize the pressure we we think every guy wants sex all the time. And then there's, that's all they want. That's all they care about. They don't need emotional intimacy. And that's just not true.
Unknown Speaker 45:56
This is a side note and we'll get back to you know, sexual self esteem and intimacy and and the few things that we want to talk about, but so what I've realized as an adult female is that the education, the sexual education system, you know, sex ed is so based on the male erection, the male orgasm, you know, because you have to do those things in order to procreate. But there's no focus no emphasis on the female pleasure aspect of it. It's all about, okay, menstrual cycle and oscillation and eggs and sperm. And I'm like, we never hear them talk about, you know, clitoral stimulation or orgasm mean for women and young girls. And it's a thing. So my question is, do you think that if we change our sex education system to be more focused on you know, women's pleasure as well as men, you know, males pleasure that some of these sexual self esteem issues might be kind of nipped in the bud?
Unknown Speaker 46:59
Absolutely, it will make a big difference, because we're the things that we don't talk about are the things that we're not going to learn about and experience. And so it is crucial that we talk about both men and women when it comes to pleasure and what an orgasm is, and really normalize the difficulty so many women do have with organs, and that majority doesn't even come from actual penetrative sex and intercourse. It comes from control stimulation. And yes, that's what happened so much as I was like, wait a minute, though. I wanted you to have an orgasm like, well, if it doesn't arrive, like a present, that's just not how it works for us. Exactly different. Yeah. And they've been shown and told that this is what happens and they see things and they try to mimic it, you're like, Yeah, no, it's totally wrong for you, because you don't know any different.
Unknown Speaker 47:41
And the male feel bad because they didn't do their job. I'm doing air quotes. And then the females feel bad, because, you know, they haven't done they haven't, you know, received, you know, their orgasm. And so they feel some kind of way about it, because it's not talked about. So, yeah, that's just something you know, as I get older, I'm realizing and it's just such a fine line with children and sex and talking about you know, and it's a weird world nowadays. And now you've got, you know, you know, pronouns and all this stuff, and I'm like, I'm just happy. I'm not a middle school teacher.
Unknown Speaker 48:20
Extremely,
Unknown Speaker 48:21
I've been tiptoeing around everything, but um, okay, let's get back to the categories. So we talked about sexual self esteem. And early you talked about the 12 different types of intimacy, goddam. Okay, I won't make you go into, you know, great detail, but can we just go over those 12 different, you know, intimacy, types of types of intimacy.
Unknown Speaker 48:45
Yeah, really, the big takeaway from this is, as you're listening, and you're thinking, but wait a minute, I don't care about the 12. I just want the one physical intimacy. Especially guys, listen, if you want that physical intimacy and sex related to physical intimacy, you're gonna have to work on the other ones, because the other ones will get you there. Yes, communication, intimacy, right. The connection with communicating, right cross is intimacy, when shit hits the fan, and there's a crisis. How do y'all come together and connect how y'all deal with thing? Because when you show up, you give security you talk, you support one another, it's going to come through in different types of ways. Yeah, spiritual and spiritual intimacy is a big one connecting on a spiritual level, whatever that might be, is important for some people. We got a recreational intimacy, I brought that out, you know, earlier, I'm sure there's stuff you and your boyfriend love to go to outside of training. Yep, that you just have fun going and blowing off steam that you connect in a way, whether it's going to Vegas and getting tattoos out, like you really get to build that trust and intimacy. And like I said, there's a lot of different ones. And it's important to and actually, there's a on my website, I'll mention it. And there's a checklist so that you can go and print it out. And you can say I want more of these of these because it's a very big important part of your relationship. And I promise that Hey guys, listen, if you come show up with your girl be like, I want us to work on all types of intimacy and did you know intimacy is connection? You're all gonna be melting. She's gonna like, come here. I want to give you some physical and
Unknown Speaker 50:10
it's a lake down there and she's just ready. Okay, my question 12 different types of intimacy. I'm listening to you talk. And I'm like checking the box in my head, because I'm like, oh, man, especially that crisis, intimacy, perfect time to see if you're going to sink or flow in that area, right pandemic like crisis. So financial situations have a rose because of it. So it's crisis. And I'm like, okay, have that we have that. And I'm thinking, it's probably not a specific number. But maybe it is, what if you have six out of the 12? Going for you? or four out of the 12? You know, is there a magic number? Do you have to have all of them?
Unknown Speaker 50:56
No, you don't have all of them, because they're all training at different parts of our time in our relationship? Right? For example, chore intimacy, that's a big one, right? Especially if you're living with a partner, like equality of chores. And like you say, you're you're in camp, you know, preparing, and your boyfriend's over there, go on, don't worry about it, I got it, I'll handle getting the groceries, I'll get things together, I'll help out this way. Or if he's off at work and doing things, you're like, hey, I've got this, I'll handle it. That equality is so important. And a big one is like commitment, intimacy, like you're both committed to making this thing work. So as long as you're aware of it, you got a couple work in your favor. You keep improving, and as long as you're together, there's always progress to be made.
Unknown Speaker 51:36
Yeah, that's great. Okay, well, here's the big one. All all the deviant listeners are ready for this one. How do you talk to talk about sex with your partner, we all want it. We all want the best sex, but for some reason to talk about it with the person you love, which is so ironic, right? You talk about, talk about it in a podcast, you talk about it with your girlfriends or your girlfriends. But the person that you want the good sex with, it's hard to talk about. So I guess, how can we talk? You know, how can we do that and, and get what we want?
Unknown Speaker 52:13
Yeah, it's a great question. And you want to start with realizing what's leading it to be so difficult to notice. I've tried to avoid why because like, we kind of spiraled down. Why's that? So what is what makes it difficult? The biggest thing is, you might be feeling vulnerable, like, I don't want to tell them what I want. Because what if they say, Oh, no, that's gross, or no way in hell, I'm doing that. Or no, you should be happy. I'm having sex with you. Anytime we're fearful. There's going to be met with some type of defensiveness, you're worried maybe you're going to hurt their feelings. Like if I bring up I want to try this and bring this into the bedroom. They may be thinking they're not enough. Or they may be thinking they're not hot enough. And Yep, what a good place to come from, like, you're not wanting to hurt their feelings. Good job, like I'm really proud of you for not wanting to hurt their feelings. So there's a way to do it, to deliver it in a way that's going to set you up. So first of all, timing, right? You want to get when you're feeling close, when you're feeling connected, when you got some privacy to talk, whether it's maybe your you know, maybe it's even during foreplay, and during sex, you bring things up, or if you're just kind of talking and reminiscing about a time. Yeah, it's a good time. Yes. Let them know you're feeling uncomfortable. And you're worried. You know, treat it like the sandwich right? When a sandwich, you got bread, you got veggies, I'm this weird vegan. So we got a bunch of veggies. And then we got bread on the bottom. So this is the bread looks like, hey, I want to talk with you about this. But I'm really nervous how you're gonna? How are you going to take it? So do you have a couple minutes? Listen to me, they say yes. And you say, Hey, I really like and we'll bring up I never come up. I really did bring somebody else in the bedroom. I really like to try it. I don't know what you think about that. And then the bottom of is like, I know that a lot even asked to talk about it. I just want to chat about that song. Don't Don't kill me. But I do want to talk about it. So you're putting it out there what you all you're putting more detail and then your ending in it like, Hey, I know this is tough. So what your partner's hearing is, whoa, okay, they want to talk about something, but they are approaching me in a way that, you know, I'm not going to have a split reaction to say, Oh, no, not ever, never. And if they do, that's okay. Doesn't mean the last time you got to bring it up. But yeah, delivering in a way that's not going to cause defensiveness and get ready and prepare yourself for negative response notice ahead of time, like you know them better than anybody else does, letting them know, me bringing up that I want to do this. Maybe I've got a kink or maybe I'm bisexual or maybe I got a fetish. I'll talk to you about her maybe on a try, you know, an open relation with whatever he is saying, I know you might need some time and space to think about this. So there's no pressure, I just want to have a conversation about it. Yeah, that's great. So that you, you deliver it in a way that's palatable, and setting you up to at least start a series of conversation. The other thing especially Guys, get ready when you bring this up. Women like we take things emotions in ways. She may be like, Okay, I'm not sure and then she may come back and be like, you know what, like, I'm really touchy, bro. This stuff all out whatever comes out, right? And then she may be okay. And then there may be another wave later. That's just how we experience emotions. So if you're prepared, you're not going to jump and be like, Oh, you're never open to anything, or I can't keep having sex with one person, the rest of my life, like whatever is coming up, you're not going to spill it back at her because you already prepare for this stuff to come back so that you can kind of ride that wave with her and keep a conversation going.
Unknown Speaker 55:24
Yeah, so timing, the delivery and kind of expectations are very important. And I know you know, later, we'll answer some fan questions. A lot of the questions were, how do I bring up my kink? You know, like, what I'm into? How do I tell my partner I'm bisexual or whatever. So you're right, timing, delivery, and we may be just opening your expectations.
Unknown Speaker 55:53
Yeah, and another thing I think it's important to remember, this is always a great nugget to use is to even start the conversation. Hey, do you ever have any fantasies you want to talk about?
Unknown Speaker 56:03
Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 56:03
I kind of curious, like, have you thought of anything that you thought might be kind of a matchup brought it up to me or ending it that way? Or just seeing us testing the waters who didn't have that conversation? So you're also not putting it like me? Me? Me? You're saying what do you think? Like, do you ever fantasize? Or do you dream of anything different?
Unknown Speaker 56:20
Yeah, letting them start the conversation?
Unknown Speaker 56:23
Mm hmm. That's
Unknown Speaker 56:24
smart. Okay, I want to ask a few things about, you know, we are a sex and violence. So we're talking all about the sex. So the violence aspect, I'm an athlete, a lot of the guests are athletes, a lot of the listeners are athletes. Do you have any experience in, you know, being a therapist for or dealing with people that have mutual athletic relationships, so like, to athletes in a relationship or, and you had a client who was an athlete, and he or she kept coming, you know, having the same types of struggles in their relationships? I asked, because I know personally, I'm an athlete, obviously, duh, but I'm very competitive. And I'm, you know, I know that plays a good and bad part in my relationships. So I just wanted to ask about your experience.
Unknown Speaker 57:17
Yeah, well, I mean, especially when it comes to athletes or work with like, in general sites, it's such a great way to blow off steam, right. And you as a fighter, you have so much pressure and stress. And as an athlete, you're expected to kind of hold it together all the time, not make mistakes, because when you do, there's judgment, there's loss and all this and then you come and look at the violence aspect of it. You've worked so hard to get your mind set, prior gearing and post spot right. So prior, you're preparing you're, you're trying to get ready to get kicked, somebody asked and maybe even getting a beat and at the same time, right, it happens. And you get this high endorphin rush, just like the one you know, like when you're walking in the aisle, you music's playing, you enter the octagon. And so this violence, like you're you're wrapping your head around that mindset, and it's such an adrenaline rush, and then post fight there. There you are, of course, you're winning it, but there's also the potential of losing the defeat. So there's this rollercoaster of emotions. It's really Haha, getting jacked up, haha, low low, yes. So you get so jacked up and you go through this and you've got the strength and confidence, you've got to have a way to blow off steam. And if you don't have a partner, what if you're both adults and your partner's not understanding of that, they're not going to be able to meet you where you're at, they may take it personal, they may think you're being selfish with time, right? with training and everything else, you've got to have somebody that really understands you. And you know, that's why specifically with sex, it's such a great way to kind of blow off that steam and pressure now Different people have different thoughts on you know, having sex or masturbating prior to the fight in in training camp and everything else, like everyone's kind of coaches have their different perspectives of it. But I say it's like a great way to blow off that theme and to really get your head in the right place. Yeah, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 59:04
I mean, I always say, to each their own right. So if you think that having sex or masturbating before a fight is going to affect you in a negative way, probably will, because that's what you're thinking so. And if you think it's gonna be a source of stress relief, and it's gonna give you the Winning Edge, then bone away. You know, our minds are so powerful, as you know, that's interesting. Have you ever had a client that struggled with their competitiveness with their partner, you know, so let's say like, we're playing a game and just take it to the next level and that causes some kind of friction in the relationship? If so, how do you how do you stop that?
Unknown Speaker 59:49
Yeah, it is so common, that competitiveness is just not in the ring and training. It is like an everyday monopoly and you feel like you've got to take it to that level, every time. On shows, there's probably a lack of a place of view to kind of settle into just being in the moment, you get so focused on that end product that you're not enjoying the journey and the pleasure of the experience. Let's go back to the fact that if you're so focused on trying to get your partner to reach orgasm, or you're so focused on the end product, you're gonna end up having some issues reaching orgasm, you're gonna have problems, like, you're gonna have issues, maybe maintain erection and finishing, because you're so focused, versus being in the moment in the journey. So in competitive top things, how quickly can you come back? Maybe you do something you add like an ass and you come back, like, you know what, I'm sorry. Like, I just kind of blew up because like you, they made this and it wasn't fair. How quick, can you snap back is how I judge the hell? Because none of us are perfect. And you got to high performance athletes, and you expect one feel like, Okay, well, you know, I love so that's not how you act. So it's the bounce back factor. It's how quickly can you get it resolved afterwards. And how personal you take it because personalizing it, and making it a bigger deal than it is will wreck the relationship.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:07
That's my problem. And I listened to another podcast. It's called voices in our head, Christina Hutchinson, she's great. She goes over different books and does these deep dives, right? One is Nathaniel Brandon's the four pillars of self esteem. I know diesel has read that. And one of them is one of the pillars is do not take things personal. And I've yet to read the book. But I have recognized this in myself that in my relationship with my partner, things are great, things are great. And then he says something, am I sensitive and is like, Oh, no. And and I realized if I could just learn to not take things so personally, that I'd be a much happier person. Not in my relationship, but all of my relationships. So yeah, that's a big one. I think I want to go sorry.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:59
Nothing say you're exactly right. Because the thing about taking a personal means you've got some type of insecurity around that, that you feel like it's something going to be negative about you. And we just have to tell our sale. And they always mad at us all the time, even when it's coming at us. Exactly. Yeah, maybe
Unknown Speaker 1:02:13
I'm just a narcissistic asshole. No.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:16
No way.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:18
So we're getting towards the end of the show. I want to get these fan questions in before we end.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:29
Absolutely. Okay,
Unknown Speaker 1:02:31
we got about four or five. So first off, we have at dirty Mexican 13.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:37
That's really his name.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:38
How can I stop coming so quickly? So more of a physical? Or maybe I don't know, you know, you're the expert. How would you answer this question?
Unknown Speaker 1:02:47
Well, that's a great point. Is it a physical, you know, a physiological issue? Or is that a psychological issue. And when, when men end up with me, it's a psychological issue. At that point, I usually figure out all the medical stuff first. So I spend a lot of time with a man with difficulties come into quick, premature ejaculation maybe even difficult to get an erection or not been able to come at all. So especially with this specific want to stop and come in so quick. There's two main techniques and sex therapy we use as the stop start technique, right? This strategy is just like, it sounds like during sex, you start moving, going. And then you start realizing when you get close to a declaration stop, you relax. And then you go back and start again. And you go and you just kind of practice a start stop technique very helpful. The other one that we use a lot to squeeze technique. I know it's kind of wild is the names of it. But it's just like, it sounds like you say like you're you're getting close again to ejaculation. And you squeeze the area between the shaft and the glans of the penis for vintage angulation. So you, you hold it there for about 30 seconds, and then you stop and depending on you and us Pacific individually managed to do it a little bit longer, a little bit shorter, but it can delay orgasm several times, allowing you to last a bit longer. And practicing with masturbation is a good way to kind of get your confidence around this before you go with partner sex. So it happens. And you can do the different techniques to help slow things down a little bit. And, you know, like you say, like, practice makes perfect. Keep adding. And so you get that confidence to just slow things down a little bit. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 1:04:18
that's great,
Unknown Speaker 1:04:19
great stuff. Um, what about, you know, you hear sometimes guys will rub one out before a date. If they feel like they may be intimate. Is that something that you recommend?
Unknown Speaker 1:04:33
Well, you know, it's the thing about like, if you are a fast comer it's probably a good idea, you know, to do that, but look, I mean, you're naturally going to be able to sustain even if it does lead to sex, you're going to be okay, like, do what you need to do for you. There's no across the board. Everyone is so different. Find out what works for you and stick with it.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:51
Yeah, all right. Okay, so at 1911 Td wants to know what is your take on three ways
Unknown Speaker 1:04:59
out Hey, very common question a lot like three ways in threesomes. I see them as they can add to a relationship, or they can break a relationship. And this goes back to how healthy both partners are. So there's the act of talking about it and using it as foreplay, right and just chatting about the idea, using it as fantasy to kind of spice things up, because you've always want to try it or talk about it. And for many couples talking about it in a fantasy around it is enough for them, especially if both people are on board or one person is on board. And then there's the acting on it, which means you've got to be able to talk about it with your partner, and both people have to be consenting for it to be a good experience. So I'm gonna want to touch on this what I call an intimacy method, a sexual buffet, right? Like this buffet of options, like we plan to be with partners for a long time. And so we need to have a buffet. So it may be a little bit of this, or I don't want none of that today are really full on that. Or you need a buffet right in having a buffet, maybe three slices on your buffet, but you were bringing it up in a way as we talked earlier, so that you're not, you know, creating some space or your partner feels like there's not enough or that you have to have this. More importantly, let me tell you what you don't do. Don't be trying to do this to save your relationship because it does not work that way. And don't tell your partner you that they can just pick who they want, you'll be fine with it, because you've got to be engaged and participate in that for you to have that comfort along the way. So it can make or break. It's all up to how healthy you and your partner are and your ability to communicate and trust one another.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:30
Yeah, now that we've talked about it, all these different levels of intimacy and types of intimacy, I'm understanding like, you know, if he got 12 of the 12 boxes checked, you're probably safe to bring it up, you probably have got a pretty smooth relationship going on. So that's awesome. Okay, moving on. My best friend, Carla Esparza she's got the fire questions. So she's got a three part question for you. Number one, at Carla Esparza. One wants to know, open relationships, can they work?
Unknown Speaker 1:07:05
loving your questions. Carla, by the way, they're literally fire. So here's the thing is, if both people are committed to doing the following things, you can make an open relationship where I work with all kinds of relationship dynamics, I can tell you, they do work. And I'd say there's plenty that don't, your relationship has to be in a healthy place first, because opening it up, isn't gonna make anything better, it's actually going to make it worse if you're not in a healthy place. First to do that. You got to discuss the boundaries, what's okay and not okay ahead of time. Like literally, there's a checklist like you check what you're okay with you check what you're not okay with. And those things look like timing, how much time you're going to spend with other people? What types of relationship? Is it going to be emotional? Is it just going to be sexual? Are you going to have kids and to be allowed is all sex on the bus fares? You know, what does it look like? Yeah, and then what's going to happen if one person starts feeling uncomfortable, while the other person respect that and back off of it? And then the other thing about open relationships working is you got to decide on the transparency level? Do you want to know what happens when there with the other person? Do you want to know details? What are you going to discuss and not discuss within your primary relationship with your partner. And the last thing to keep in mind to make this work is not shut down or avoid communication. The people that I work with, they have healthy, open relationships, they communicate like at nausea, like they are always communicating. If they're not communicating, it ain't working. Yeah. And the biggest problem that open relationships have is honestly time management. And another person, like oh my gosh, now I gotta go do
Unknown Speaker 1:08:37
especially if it's a guy with an extra girl, like, Oh, we we have so many emotional and mental and physical. Okay, so part two of Carla's question is couples who sleep in separate bedrooms. How do you see this? Well, you know?
Unknown Speaker 1:08:56
Well, it's all depending on what the issues are that the person has, let's just take professional athletes that you're preparing for a fight. You're getting ready, you you need your sleep, you need your rest, maybe their sleep issues, maybe you're snoring, maybe you talk to your sleep, you have not tears, or maybe your partner does. There's even couples that really like that extra space at night and you've got pets that are in the bed. Maybe it makes sense for couples have that but mostly what there's nothing wrong with having separate bedrooms, if you're able to connect and I'm saying in both places in the morning, and at night. Are you taking those times to connect with one another before you go off to the separate bedrooms? And when you wake up in the morning? Are you having maybe coffee together? Are you having a run together in the morning? Like what are you doing to connect at Morgan and not to have those separate rooms? I have a lot of couples that do keep separate rooms and you got to do these things to make it work?
Unknown Speaker 1:09:46
Yeah, yeah. Okay. final part of Carla's question. faking orgasms.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:56
So here's the thing. Do people fake orgasms Absolutely I've seen men fake orgasms is pretty wild. You know, in their experiences, it's not okay. Because then it sets the person that you're on sex with to think that you're in this place that you're not you're being dishonest to yourself or you're being dishonest to them. If you're wanting things to end, it's better to go ahead and, and possibly hurt their feelings or say, Hey, I'm just kind of I'm over this now or I'm just not feeling it, or I'm not up to it. Versus saying, Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it. Right? Because faking it just isn't good for anybody. Yeah. And when you fake it, like you, you're just setting yourself up to the place of not being transparent, not being honest. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Unknown Speaker 1:10:40
Yeah, you're not gonna get any more pleasure and the person's gonna have some kind of false gratification. Yeah. Okay. All right. Last fan question is from at Big Dot chels. Dog. She says, Is it possible that I masturbate too much? I feel like the only time I can really orgasm with my partner is when I use my wand. But even then, it takes a while to get there any tips on clitoral stimulation during sex with without a vibrator or toy?
Unknown Speaker 1:11:11
Hmm, I love this question. Because again, I think it's the same like we talked about earlier, the need for sex at around female pleasure. We know and studies show that studies show that only about 25% of women are consistently consistently reaching orgasm during intercourse, right. And only. Oh, it's so sad. And this is like an announcement of 33 different studies like so this isn't like one study. And only a fourth of women like really experienced orgasm during intercourse. No matter how long it lasts, no matter what the size of a person's penises, no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship. You know, it's such a small number one that actually experienced that. And so what we find is penetration or intercourse is not key, most women sexual satisfaction. And and that can hurt a lot of egos. But I want you to know that, you know, hearing that, that it doesn't mean everything's over not it means that you can have a combo deal of having pleasure through intercourse as well as control stimulation. Because you're not alone going through this, like you're not masturbating too much. I mean, well, let me tell you what too much is for you is that if you are taking away time, from your job from your relationship, if your health is suffering, if you've got legal issues, if you've got some type of dysfunction happening relationship, because of you choosing your wand with masturbation, then you might be doing too much. I highly doubt that's the case. And that's how we see what too much or problem is affecting your life. And you know, that, with that being said, during intercourse, girl on tops A great way that you can actually have control stimulation with your hand. Or maybe your partner can help with that. And let's face it, you know what feels good, but because you're used to masturbating, right, we know that or even, even girl even like a missionary position, as long as you can reach a control area, or doggy style where you can have control stimulation while receiving intercourse. That's the way to kind of pair up combo effects very effective, because there's different types of orgasms. And so with that being said, find out what works for you. And just, you know, let your partner know, like you're working on this and know that it takes some time, you know, women we're oven, we got to preheat that stuff. And then I'm like microwaves a lot of time, you just hit the buttons and goes, take as much time as you need because you're awesome. And you know what pleasure feels like for you. So kudos,
Unknown Speaker 1:13:31
that is so great. Yeah, that's great information. And if I could interject a little bit so this girl who's has this question about the Am I using my one too much masturbating too much. You know, if you have all these intimacy levels checked or some of them and you feel comfortable, why not ask your partner if you can use it? Well penetration during penetration, you know, I recently did this with my partner because shout out to Ella para de our sex toy sponsor, they sent me a clitoral vibrator, where my partner actually has the remote. And that was just fucking fun. He knows. So if the animal has, you know, enough, you know, sexual self esteem, who I used to talk to her partner about this, and you know, you want to still have sex with your partner, but you also want to come bring the toy to bed.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:27
Add some breaking. Yeah, absolutely. And there's so much pleasure to be experienced. You look at these as tools and add ons, they don't replace their add ons and just enhances everything. Mm hmm.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:39
That's all the questions we could talk for hours. But thank you so much. Please tell us and all the listeners. Number one, where we can find you on social media. We even talk about your awesome podcast. Tell us a little bit about that. And also where we can find the ideal intimacy method.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:58
Sure, you can connect with me Instagram That's where I spend most of my time. And, and you can connect with me there as well. Each week the podcast show first comes out, I posted it on Instagram as well as my website, Dr. Christy Overstreet calm, I don't intimacy method is on there, as well as Instagram. And for the guys, I've got this really incredible sexual self esteem program coming very soon. So I'll keep you posted on that if you connect with me, and then I'm relaunching my youtube channel sexually approved very soon where it is straight up my take on all things sexual, and I can't wait to put some more content out there. It's going to be a lot of fun. And I can't thank you enough for normalizing these conversations and not being afraid to talk about the hard stuff. But thanks so much for having me and your education. It is
Unknown Speaker 1:15:41
a fun job is not hard. I'm actually going to be participating in the ideal intimacy method guys. So this is not the last you've heard of Dr. Christie or these methods and techniques. And I'm going to be sharing them like I always do with you guys, my own personal experiences. Not afraid to put it out there. Because Dr. Christie's goal, my goal is to normalize these conversations, take away the shame, and just feel good about yourself. Thank you guys for tuning in. Thank you, Dr. Christie will talk to you soon.
Unknown Speaker 1:16:41
Sup smoke
Unknown Speaker 1:16:58
shops and
Unknown Speaker 1:17:07
everything is dry. In
Unknown Speaker 1:17:14
stays up at night.
Unknown Speaker 1:17:22
That's it for our special v day episode. I hope you guys learned a thing or two that you can use into the US in the bedroom or just you know, having the toolbox in case you ever need it. You know, no matter what relationship status Do you got going on or how you feel about this holiday? Hope you guys take a minute to just appreciate the relationship you're in or give yourself some self love.
Unknown Speaker 1:17:45
No,
Unknown Speaker 1:17:46
I'm not talking about masturbation, just accept. What you have going on is what you have going on pandemic fuck things up. You know, financial issues. Just don't be so hard on yourself. Love yourself guys. I know I preach that every week. But you know, it's important and the more you love yourself, the better your relationships will be with other people, your partners, your friends, your co workers all that. We got to try to keep improving. No matter how old we get no matter how many times a heart gets broken. We got to keep room for love. Open Yep, that's about it. Remember to Be kind, be grateful and don't take shit from anyone. I hope you guys enjoyed another episode with me. Rebel girl have sex and violence. Special thank you to our audio engineer DJ zol at DJs Oh, tomorrow kid studio at tomorrow kids official producer Nate Jackson at Nadir damas, and you can find us on Instagram at sex and violence with rebel girl and myself at Ashley MMA. So subscribe to this podcast and tune in next week every Friday to hear more tales of sex and violence.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai